Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Things I know about the Academy Awards OR How to win your Office Oscar Pool

I don’t go to many movies. When I do, I sit alone and cry. As such, a trip to the cinema becomes an exercise in public humiliation and I'm too proud to feel humiliated on the regular.

Thanks to weird social tics, I don't often see what's nominated for awards, but hell if that stops me from winning Oscar pools. Quite the opposite - watching films hampers an ability to win. Sometimes you fall in love with a performance and love makes you stupid, blind and miserable. Blue Valentine fan? You probably lamented today that the Gosling was robbed! Fools. You need to disassociate.

Don't worry that he was snubbed. Don't picture him waiting in bed for a call from Oscar that never came. Don't picture him turning to a random Internet stranger to dry his tears. Worrying about the Gosling is what losers do. You must instead follow the race to Oscar with a cold, calculating eye that helps pay your rent.

Maybe it's not cool to model oneself after the Jeopardy! robot. Whatever. Picture us rolling. 

Since my friends no longer join my pool (weenies), in an effort to level the playing field I'm giving away a few tricks. 

In grade school, I'd always watch the Oscars with my friend. He is straight. :O Our moms would let us skip class the next day so we'd have a sleepover and everything. Co-ed bunkmates in Catholic school?! Can you imagine? 

For the record, nothing ever happened between us (in spite of the sleepovers) and we’re still great friends. That goes to show Hemingway was WRONG – a man doesn’t have to be in love with a woman in order to be her friend. Take that, Papa.

God, I’m tangenting already. I thought taking time away from blogging would improve focus. Nope!

BIG FAT ANYWAY.

Making Oscar Picks

Once you've abandoned your favourite movie, you're ready to compete. The first thing to remember is that winners are rarely based on merit. The Academy is heavily comprised of fogies who vote with a religious allegiance to their friends and studios. If you want to make some monies, bet on these locks: Bale - Supporting; Firth - Actor; Sorkin for Adapted Screenplay; Toy Story 3 for best animated; Fincher – Director.

Best Picture
Everyone thinks the Social Network is guaranteed to win, but don’t underestimate the Weinsteins' power to manipulate/terrify to get what they want.  I’m fascinated by Harvey Weinstein. He *allegedly* sleeps with rising actresses with promises to boost their careers. He stomps through Oscar campaign season with an iron fist and a heat-seeking dong. 
In case you haven’t herrrrd, the Weinsteins are backing the King’s Speech and aren’t satisfied with a Colin Firth win. They want Best Picture and conveniently, the King’s Speech is the kind of period piece, thinking man’s film that voters love. Considering voter demographics, I think the Social Network might be a little too….cool to win. Look for the King’s Speech to gain momentum in the coming weeks. It should be closer than everyone thinks.

And ooh! The Weinstein Company JUST hired a new publicity person. Yeah, this is gon get ugly. 

The Social Network might lose Best Picture, but David Fincher will win for direction. It's his turn. Speaking of direction, everyone (Twitter) is up in arms because Christopher Nolan was evidently edged out by Russell for The Fighter. The argument from Hollywood types seems to be that Russell coaxed incredible performances from Bale and Leo, and that the trophy should go to an “actor’s director,” not a splashy world-creating genius like Nolan.

Isn’t that cute? Seems people forgot that Avatar happened LAST YEAR.

I still haven’t seen Avatar.

Voters might give Inception Best Original Screenplay as a consolation. It will also likely take home some technical awards. 

Best Actress
Natalie Portman is 99 per cent guaranteed to win, but I’ve started to pick up on some Black Swan backlash. I trolled my favourite Hollywood blog and counted 17 ‘overrated’ comments about her performance. That’s not good. The Ashton Kutcher film won't help her chances. That said, she's been dominant at other award show so far, and it might be too late for an Annette Bening surge.

Black Swan was one of the few movies I actually did watch. It was hilarious! Quack quack quack.
It was crap, but I’d watch it again for Mila. Hi Mila.

Supporting actressI want to say Melissa Leo, but there's a child nominated for True Grit. Academy voters love when kids win and make a speech. It reminds them of their grandchildren. 

Documentary
I'm going with Banksy because of the Academy’s predilection to give best doc to controversial figures. It's like their aforementioned grandchildren decide this one category. I think you can count on Banksy for the win especially considering HE MIGHT EVEN SHOW UP TO ACCEPT. BANKSY UNMASKED BY OSCAR VOTERS. "LOOK LOOK, WE'RE RELEVANT."

The remote remote possibility of an appearance should be enough to secure votes.

Song/Score
Cher isn’t even performing. You know she's mad. They nominated Randy Newman instead.  He’ll probably win.

Tent Reznor will be an Oscar winner. Weird.

Others
There are ways to pick makeup and cinematography and the boring categories we usually sleep through. Choose the period piece for costumes and set design (probably King’s Speech). Maybe I’ll add hints as February 27th approaches.

Fin
I’m looking forward to the ceremony, mostly because I love tradition. Unfortunately for you,  thanks to Ricky Gervais backlash and the Hathaway-Franco tandem, we can expect the circle jerk to end all circle jerks. A four-hour circle jerk at that. 

Who's excited?????

At least they'll join my pool.  

3 comments:

  1. Random hilarious Internet comment:

    "When Aaron Sorkin wins that Oscar his ego will take physical form as a giant thermonuclear explosion and our only remaining English-language movie stars will be Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Guys, I don't want to watch a Spider-Man reboot starring Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes."

    hahahahaha
    Source: http://bit.ly/gZHQQR

    ReplyDelete
  2. ...the King’s Speech is the kind of period piece, thinking man’s film that voters love.

    So, I can conclude this essentially means British white man's film, right?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Exactly!

    Oh man why didn't I write it like that?

    ReplyDelete

Ramble on...