Thursday, March 25, 2010

E-mails to Jose Canseco

Jose Canseco is on twitter.  This is not hyperbole - his account is the best of all time.

I am obsessed. 

Jose's account is verified, which means it’s actually him (no repeating the Levi Johnston fiasco; that was embarrassing).

Canseco, after a lifetime of squandering monies and burning bridges, is reduced to soliciting job offers, appearance requests, and pretty much anything from an army of 400,000 twitter followers just waiting to fuck with him. It’s funny, it's sad, but it's funnier than it is sad, in my opinion.

Oh, and just so you know, Canseco replied to my messages three times. THREE. Try and visualize Canseco using his fat fingers to punch out THREE replies to one @meredithwrogers. I’m internet famous.
In case you aren’t following the action, here’s a taste of the gold Jose lays down:

Email me jc7264@yahoo.com I want to have my own radio or tv sports talk show. If u can finance it or want to hire me I can sky rocket rating

I love golf and everything tiger does can't wait to read his book I would call it the studdddd

Tiger woods I love him he's the man. He's also human well maybe superhuman even I couldn't handle so many girls. Pimp daddy s

I am on the toilet thinking about writing a third book

B e careful with the irs they r coming down hard on people

@meredithwrogers. Sounds good **Ed note this was in response to my offer to be his new agent

Who is interested in spending the day with me and seeing what my life is about.

1000 per day we can do anything if interested in spend a daY with jose email me at jc7264@yahoo.com

Like I said, gold.

Since Jose posted his email online, I wrote him a quick note. My objective? A selfless offer to help him start a lifecast. I’ve never seen a lifecast, but I hung out on google for 15 seconds and now consider myself an expert. 

Writing Canseco? Am I delusional? Possibly, but I read somewhere that people who are self-amused live long and happy lives.

Anyway, here’s the e-mail. Will let you know when he responds (haha). Hope he doesn’t file a restraining order. As Canseco would say, stay tooned.... 


March 25, 2010 

To the desk of:
Mr. Jose Canseco

Sports Superstar
Los Angeles, California


Dear Mr. Canseco, 


On Thursday April 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm, one Jose Canseco will make history….again.

You sir, will testify in front of a grand jury to speak on the alleged steroid use of some of major league baseball’s biggest superstars, in particular, Roger Clemens. While this isn’t your first time at the okay corral, the ramifications of your testimony are monumental. All sports fans, nay, the world will be watching that day.

But you already knew that. Let’s talk about what you may not know.

Let’s talk about your twitter feed. I’ve followed your tweets for some time now and must say, your candid and insightful tweets are among the most entertaining on the Internet. I can’t say they are the most entertaining, as who could try and compete with the profundity of one Justin Bieber?

I digress (Justin Bieber always gives me pause, apologies).
 Your upfront approach to the twitterverse is infectious. I imagine your tweeting style is a grand metaphor for the way you attack your opponent in a mixed martial arts fight.

You simultaneously respond to the haters (as you so eloquently call your dissuaders) and give fans a glimpse at the softer side of Jose Canseco.  I draw your attention to the tweet sent on March 21st:

RT@JoseCanseco:  I need ideas on how to make my girlfriend not mad at me!

Chivalrous. Heartwarming. There are no other words.

Knowing your predilection for social media, I write with an opportunity. An opportunity with the potential to shower dolla dolla bills upon your home.

Who am I? About time you asked.

My name is Meredith Rogers and I am an ambassador of the lifecast.

What’s a lifecast, you ask? Lifecasting is a continual broadcast
 of events in a person's life through digital media. In other words, you video tape yourself 24 hours a day and people can pay a membership fee to access to your stream.

Lifecasting is a very lucrative business and a public figure like you could, I believe, attract hundreds of thousands of viewers per day. I saw you on the Surreal Life, Jose. You’re a laugh a minute.  I mean, if a girl like JenniCam can attract millions of hits, just IMAGINE the kind of numbers a man like Jose Canseco could bolster. You know what we call traffic like that on the Internet, Jose? We call it making it rain.
The best part about a lifecast is that you wouldn’t even have to do anything! You can live life as usual, accompanied by an audience of curious onlookers. You played baseball! You're used to a bunch of losers scrutinizing your every move. You got this. 

Mr Canseco, I have your best interests at heart. As a fan and an important person on the Internet, I am willing to connect you with lifecasting executives who would jump at the chance to work with you. I will conduct all of our business together pro bono. I’m merely a fan of entertainment and want to watch while you sleep.  

I’m available to discuss this exciting possibility at any time.  Look forward to speaking with you and starting this fruitful relationship.


Sincerely,

Meredith Rogers
Future Lifecaster. Friend. 

4 comments:

  1. Mer, I don't know what you do for a living, but if it's not writing, you definitely missed your calling! You're hired, in my book :P

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  2. ohhhhhh mere!!!

    I have been checking back here for 2 weeks (knowing full well of your vacation) and this makes all the waiting worthwhile. i love you and miss you. this is comic gold.

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  3. I must admit this whole Canseco post was entertaining, and the Million Dollar Man pic is pretty sweet as well. Looking forward to the next post!

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Ramble on...