Sunday, March 28, 2010

Canseco replied

I love it sounds exciting let's do it call me 818 *** ****

A man of few words. Respect.

This is so much better than a Rory McIlroy photobomb.

I want to change into my pyjamas, paint my nails and call him. Is that weird? We have so much in common, there’s heaps of stuff we could gab about - testosterone levels, fight training, competing subpoenas - normal people things.

If you were me, would you actually call? With the right script and liquid courage, I might be able to do this. For you. I'd do anything for my faceless friends on the Internet. 

Thursday, March 25, 2010

E-mails to Jose Canseco

Jose Canseco is on twitter.  This is not hyperbole - his account is the best of all time.

I am obsessed. 

Jose's account is verified, which means it’s actually him (no repeating the Levi Johnston fiasco; that was embarrassing).

Canseco, after a lifetime of squandering monies and burning bridges, is reduced to soliciting job offers, appearance requests, and pretty much anything from an army of 400,000 twitter followers just waiting to fuck with him. It’s funny, it's sad, but it's funnier than it is sad, in my opinion.

Oh, and just so you know, Canseco replied to my messages three times. THREE. Try and visualize Canseco using his fat fingers to punch out THREE replies to one @meredithwrogers. I’m internet famous.
In case you aren’t following the action, here’s a taste of the gold Jose lays down:

Email me jc7264@yahoo.com I want to have my own radio or tv sports talk show. If u can finance it or want to hire me I can sky rocket rating

I love golf and everything tiger does can't wait to read his book I would call it the studdddd

Tiger woods I love him he's the man. He's also human well maybe superhuman even I couldn't handle so many girls. Pimp daddy s

I am on the toilet thinking about writing a third book

B e careful with the irs they r coming down hard on people

@meredithwrogers. Sounds good **Ed note this was in response to my offer to be his new agent

Who is interested in spending the day with me and seeing what my life is about.

1000 per day we can do anything if interested in spend a daY with jose email me at jc7264@yahoo.com

Like I said, gold.

Since Jose posted his email online, I wrote him a quick note. My objective? A selfless offer to help him start a lifecast. I’ve never seen a lifecast, but I hung out on google for 15 seconds and now consider myself an expert. 

Writing Canseco? Am I delusional? Possibly, but I read somewhere that people who are self-amused live long and happy lives.

Anyway, here’s the e-mail. Will let you know when he responds (haha). Hope he doesn’t file a restraining order. As Canseco would say, stay tooned.... 


March 25, 2010 

To the desk of:
Mr. Jose Canseco

Sports Superstar
Los Angeles, California


Dear Mr. Canseco, 


On Thursday April 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm, one Jose Canseco will make history….again.

You sir, will testify in front of a grand jury to speak on the alleged steroid use of some of major league baseball’s biggest superstars, in particular, Roger Clemens. While this isn’t your first time at the okay corral, the ramifications of your testimony are monumental. All sports fans, nay, the world will be watching that day.

But you already knew that. Let’s talk about what you may not know.

Let’s talk about your twitter feed. I’ve followed your tweets for some time now and must say, your candid and insightful tweets are among the most entertaining on the Internet. I can’t say they are the most entertaining, as who could try and compete with the profundity of one Justin Bieber?

I digress (Justin Bieber always gives me pause, apologies).
 Your upfront approach to the twitterverse is infectious. I imagine your tweeting style is a grand metaphor for the way you attack your opponent in a mixed martial arts fight.

You simultaneously respond to the haters (as you so eloquently call your dissuaders) and give fans a glimpse at the softer side of Jose Canseco.  I draw your attention to the tweet sent on March 21st:

RT@JoseCanseco:  I need ideas on how to make my girlfriend not mad at me!

Chivalrous. Heartwarming. There are no other words.

Knowing your predilection for social media, I write with an opportunity. An opportunity with the potential to shower dolla dolla bills upon your home.

Who am I? About time you asked.

My name is Meredith Rogers and I am an ambassador of the lifecast.

What’s a lifecast, you ask? Lifecasting is a continual broadcast
 of events in a person's life through digital media. In other words, you video tape yourself 24 hours a day and people can pay a membership fee to access to your stream.

Lifecasting is a very lucrative business and a public figure like you could, I believe, attract hundreds of thousands of viewers per day. I saw you on the Surreal Life, Jose. You’re a laugh a minute.  I mean, if a girl like JenniCam can attract millions of hits, just IMAGINE the kind of numbers a man like Jose Canseco could bolster. You know what we call traffic like that on the Internet, Jose? We call it making it rain.
The best part about a lifecast is that you wouldn’t even have to do anything! You can live life as usual, accompanied by an audience of curious onlookers. You played baseball! You're used to a bunch of losers scrutinizing your every move. You got this. 

Mr Canseco, I have your best interests at heart. As a fan and an important person on the Internet, I am willing to connect you with lifecasting executives who would jump at the chance to work with you. I will conduct all of our business together pro bono. I’m merely a fan of entertainment and want to watch while you sleep.  

I’m available to discuss this exciting possibility at any time.  Look forward to speaking with you and starting this fruitful relationship.


Sincerely,

Meredith Rogers
Future Lifecaster. Friend. 

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

My personal pop culture rules

 **Ed Note: here’s the article from the excellent AV Club that inspired this post. 

AV Club reader query:
What are your pop-culture rules? That is, the up-front guidelines that will prevent you from seeing/reading/listening to something, or that will guarantee that you’ll see/read/listen to it even if reviews or word of mouth or past experience with the creators have been negative?

My response:
First, I’m only going to talk about things I will or won’t see. Books and music require a separate post that will never be written. With that in mind…

Like the person who abides by them, my pop culture rules are nuanced and ever-changing. Because I’m crusty, I put more thought into the list of things I won’t see/listen to than things I will. Stephen Brunt says cynicism is easy. He’s right.

Things I won’t watch

Ben Stiller everything. Did you know he has 14 films in development? Clearly, the world does not agree.

vampire everything. It’s okay, vampire hysteria is just a phase - an exceptionally long and painful phase. Right?

Period dramas. Booooring and they make me want to spend ridc money on a corset dress. That’s not practical.

Slasher flicks. Upsetting in the bad way.

Bathroom Humour. I’m Catholic, we don’t talk about that stuff.

Overly intellectualized films. Example - the Coen Brothers’ A Serious Man. What are you trying to say? Just say it already. People who try to make other people feel stupid can peace out. A few years ago, this entry wouldn’t appear here, but time changes you. It’s like how one year ago I was bothered by the Nepalese/Indian labourers who stare at me when I walk past. Now, I’m happy to let them take a good, long look. They have it tough and don’t get to see ladies on the regular. Plus, I’d check me out too. But ANYWAY.

A promise of non-stop hijinks. For why the nonstop hijinks? Hijinks need to stop and let realism work its magic on our wimpy human hearts.  Hijinks without realism = calamity. A recent example of a calamity movie is The Hangover.  Too many tigers, not enough oh, I care about these characters.

Will absolutely, positively watch a movie/TV show with these elements/actors in it:

-Will Arnett . Hilarious. Dreamy. Leafs fan. 

-Philip Seymour Hoffman. We fell in love with Scent of a Woman and haven’t looked back since.

-John C. Reilly. Someone removed all of the Steve Brule clips from YouTube. Cruel!

-Meryl Streep. She doesn’t make mistakes. Even It’s Complicated was cute.

-Milo and or Otis

-Rhett Butler

-This cat's entire canon:

-Norm MacDonald. This applies especially to YouTube clips of Norm on talk shows. Start here. I cry laughing every time. 

-Pixar

My most important rule is that if something comes recommended at the urging of a dear friend, I will watch it. If I love you and you really love something I'm on it, even if it’s a calamity-filled Ben Stiller period drama about vampires. 

And that’s that….until my mind changes.

Hey so the Oscars are on this weekend. How about this year, we skip the whole Oscar pool farce and you just wire me some money. Sound good?