Monday, October 12, 2009

The Greatest Baseball Game I've Ever Seen

So as is often recognized on this blog, living in Doha has it perks. However, watching live baseball games is not one of them. Heading into this year’s MLB postseason, I was excited. The thing I looked forward to most was seeing my least favorite team of any sport on the planet, the Boston Red Sox, lose in as humiliating a way as possible.

I geared up my excitement in the weeks leading up to the playoffs by going up to strangers wearing playoff-bound team merchandise to wish them luck, and to ask them simply to eliminate the Red Sox.

But before any viewing would take place, we needed to upgrade our satellite TV package at home. We went for the “shiny platinum exquisite diamond” package, or something like that. To my sincere disappointment, the one channel that broadcasts the MLB is the only network that we can’t pick up on the satellite. It doesn’t work. Mush mumkin.

I needed a back-up plan. I Bing’d it and found some very shady package where for only $40 a year I can watch all sports via the interwebs. “Deal!”, I thought.

So when I realized yesterday that a potential elimination game for the Red Sox would be an afternoon game in the U.S., I got my first opportunity to watch this year’s postseason live.

With God making up for the struggles I went through to enjoy this annual activity, I got blessed with the best game a Red Sox hater could ask for.

Here is the round-up…

Red Sox get an early lead off Angel’s starter Scott Kazmir and go ahead 5-1.

By the end of the 7th it’s looking like Boston may get to hang around for at least one more game. But with two outs in the top of the eighth the Angels make it interesting, putting 2 runners on base in a 5-2 game. The tying run comes to the plate.

Enter Jonathan Papelpon a.k.a. red sox nation posterboy/largest douche to ever wear a professional uniform. So this is Terry Franf***face’s “solution” to extending their season. Papelpon needs a 4 out save. With runners on, Papelbon gives up a 2-RBI single. It is now 5-4. As Red Sox fans begin shitting their pants, Papelbon ends the eighth with a lucky pick-off. The crowd finally exhales.

Due to their inflated payroll and Big Fati finally getting his 1st hit of the playoffs, the Red Sox get an insurance run. 6-4 Red Sox, heading into the 9th.

With Papelbon, who in his career of 27 postseason innings had never allowed an earned run, coming back on to do his 9th inning jig, losers (in hats they bought cause they saw other people wearing it) all over the world start playing with themselves like its all over. Disgusting Boston accents shout out “The Red Sox will win in 5” all over the pissholes of the rotten city known as "beantown".

Papelbon does as he does best and quickly retires the first two batters he faces. So with two outs in the top of the 9th, the Angels #9 hitter, Erick Aybar comes up. The skipper elects not to pinch hit for him. Seems like Scioscia suspects something spectacular. Like he was supposed to, Aybar backs up his manager’s plan with a textbook, line-drive single to center.

The crafty leadoff hitter, Chone Figgins, comes up trying to keep the two-out rally going. He does his part by reaching with a base on balls.

All of a sudden Papeldouche looks shaky.

With a stroke of brilliance, another Sox-killer, ex-yankee Bobby Abreu rings a shot off the green monster. Aybar scores, but Figgins, one of the speediest guys in the league, is held at 3rd!

The Angels still face a mighty task as they are still down by a run and need to keep this two out rally against Papelbon going. The Boston coaches and infield elect to have a chat with the hot-headed closer to re-focus him on his task. After all, the odds are with him and his defence that they’ll get the next out, and start fresh in Game 4, with a chance to tie the series up at 2.

At the coaches discretion, an intentional walk loads the bases.

What were they thinking? The intentionally walked to bring Vlad “the man” Guerrero up?!? Boy, he looks like he might hit a ball over 600 feet. However, his career playoff batting average and his career stats vs. Papelbon don’t inspire much confidence.

But in an act of redemption and leadership, Vlady hits a first-pitch, four-seam fastball weakly to straight-away center. Ellsbury can’t get there…It drops!

Figgins scores!!

Abreu scores!! Angels go ahead 7-6!



But, of course, the hometown Rednecks still get to bat for three more outs. Mike Scioscia has been warming up his closer in the top of the 9th just in case something like this occurred. Fuentes comes in to silence Fenway for at least another 6 months.

Jed Lowrie pops out like a punnani pansy. 1 out.

Jacoby Ellsbury tries to muster up a rally. The count quickly goes 0-2. Ellsbury is in a hole. In a last ditch attempt to get on base he pops up to the catcher in foul territory. Is there a worse thing you can do? Even striking out earns more respect. Two out.

But…before the corks start getting popped in LA LA land., the golden boy of the Boston franchise, winner of rookie of the year in his first year and AL MVP in only his second season, Dustin Pedroia comes up to save the day for Boston. Right? Right?!?!?
WRONG. Pedroia’s weak pop-up doesn’t leave the infield. ha ha ha ha ha ha

The Red Sox, led by Terry “butttttt I’ve never lost a World Series game” Francona are eliminated in the first round in 3 games.

It’s a SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP, and I gotz mah broom!!!!!!!