Damn you, extortionist for making me think about David Letterman without his suit on.
But that's what you get for idolizing mere mortals, kids. Box Cat and Riverdancing Dog would never play you like that.
It's upsetting. I'm starting to think that monogamy is the hardest thing for people to do in the world. Harder than running marathons or tending to the sick and dying. Harder than giving away all of your money. Harder than giving up the Internet.
Governments should start doling out large sums of money to couples who actually make their relationship work without putting their hands in multiple cookie jars. Everyone's a damn cheater. From now on, these are the only ways to genuinely shock me:
1.) You are faithful to your husband/wife (doesn't count until you make it legal).
2.) You think Lindsay Lohan isn't on drugs. She's just an artist!
3.) You can get me tickets to game seven of the Stanely Cup playoffs in a game in which the Leafs are playing.
That's all. If I were a colour, it'd totally be jade.
Back to Dave. I'm certain Letterman will come out of this smelling of a classy, adulterizing hero (not unlike Bill Clinton), but I'm concerned his show is forever tainted for me. Why? One of the staff members Dave had an affair with is "Intern Vicky." She used to appear on the "know your current events" and "name that cut of meat" skits. She brought participants their dinner gift certificate, wore a Letterman jacket and acted snarky. Dave ate it up. I remember saying to my mother once, "this girl always makes Dave laugh. She must be hilarious." No doubt she's funny, but now we know there was something more salacious going on. And it tastes like barf. Dave sleeping with Intern Vicky is probably as unsettling as Rupert and Bif Henderson having an affair.
What's the opposite of right? I can't remember.
Tainted or not, whatever you do please don't start watching Leno.
Need a funny video to cheer you up? Well, tough luck. I have nothing to offer. Why don't you try offering ME something for once in your life? Jerks.