Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Lyrics game

Answers are posted in the comments section. Thanks for playing!

Who doesn’t love song lyrics? There are good ones and great ones and bad ones.  Some are obscure, some are well-thought out, and some just make no damn sense.

Probably the BEST lyrics are the ones you sing incorrectly for years, only to have blissful ignorance snatched away by some know-it-all d-bag in at a bar. 

You know, it’s actually, “Who will dance on the floor in the round?”

Usually I’m that d-bag. It’s a wonder I’ve got any friends at all.

So yea. Lyrics. They’re the best.

Are you feeling musical now? Good. Let’s play the lyrics game.

Below, you’ll find a selection of words put to song. Here’s a hint – they can all be found on my iTunes (ha?) No artist or band is repeated. There’s a song for every letter of the alphabet. See how many you can identify WITHOUT using Google (or Bing or Yahoo or Altavista… Ask Jeeves?). Really, don’t cheat. The Internet makes people dishonest. Have some integrity and use your finely tuned musical knowledge to identify the Britney Spears song, damnit.

Answers to be posted in the comment section tomorrow.

a)   a) Ambition makes you look pretty ugly
Kicking and squealing gucci little piggy
You don't remember
You don't remember
Why don't you remember my name?

c)   b) Your beauty is beyond compare
With flaming locks of auburn hair
With ivory skin and eyes of emerald green

 The waiting drove me mad
you’re finally here and I'm a mess
I take your entrance back
can’t let you roam inside my head

e)   d)Well I hear you went up to Saratoga
And your horse naturally won
Then you flew your Lear jet up to Nova Scotia
To see the total eclipse of the sun

f)    e) they got the situation
they gotta be facing 
I can't live a normal life I was raised by the street
so I gotta be down with the hood team

too much television watching got me chasing dreams
I’m an educated fool with money on my mind 
got my ten in my hand and a gleam in my eye

g)   f) I wear bright red, like a girl toe.

And she said losing love
is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you're blown apart
Everybody sees the wind blow

h)  If I ever get out of here

Thought of giving it all away
to a registered charity
All I need is a pint a day

i) Baby, don't you wanna, dance up on me, to another time and place?

Oh baby, don't you wanna, dance up on me, and leave behind my name and age?

j) From the family tree of old school hip-hop

Kick off your shoes and relax your socks
Your rhymes are spread just like a pox
Cause the music is loud like an electric shock
I am known to do the wop
Also known for the Flintstone Flop

k) And I need you more than want you

And I want you for all time

l) They pulled in just behind the bridge

He lays her down, he frowns
'Gee my life's a funny thing, am I still too young?'
He kissed her then and there
She took his ring, took his babies
It took him minutes, took her nowhere
Heaven knows, she'd have taken anything

Still playing? I LOVE YOU! Soldier on…..

m)  I would go out tonight

But I haven't got a stitch to wear
This man said "it's gruesome
That someone so handsome should care”

n) What you wanna ball with the kid

Watch your step you might fall
Trying to do what I did
Mama-unh mama-unh ima come closer
In the middle of the club with the rub-a-dub, unh
No love for the haters, the haters
Mad cause I got floor seats at the Lakers

o) Come on down to the Mermaid Cafe and I will buy you a bottle of wine

And we'll laugh and toast to nothing and smash our empty glasses down
Let's have a round for these freaks and these soldiers
A round for these friends of mine
Let's have another round for the bright red devil
Who keeps me in this tourist town

Under the pale moon

For so many years I've wondered
Who you are
How can a person like you bring me joy
Under the pale moon
Where I see a lot of stars
Is enough enough

q) Maybe you'll get a replacement

There's plenty like me to be found
Mongrels who ain't got a penny
Sniffing for tidbits like you on the ground

r) You took me from the shelter of my mother

I had never known or loved any other
We kissed after taking vows
But that night on our honeymoon,
We stayed in separate rooms

s) There was a time in this fair land when the railroad did not run

when the wild, majestic mountains stood alone against the sun
Long before the white man and long before the wheel
When the green, dark forest was too silent to be real

The first mate he got drunk

And broke in the Cap'n's trunk
The constable had to come and take him away
Sheriff John Stone
Why don't you leave me alone, yeah yeah

u) She keeps her Moet et Chandon

In her pretty cabinet
'Let them eat cake' she says
Just like Marie Antoinette
A built-in remedy
For Kruschev and Kennedy
At anytime an invitation
You can't decline

v) You have so many relationships in this life,

Only one or two will last,
You go through all the pain and strife, 
You turn your back and they're gone so fast,
Oh yeah, and they're gone so fast, yeah.
Oh, so hold onto ones that really care, 
In the end they'll be the only ones there,
When you get old start losing your hair,
Can you tell me who will still care?

I woke up this morning and the sun was gone,

Turned on some music to start my day
I lost myself in a familiar song
I closed my eyes and I slipped away

x) Words like violence

Break the silence 
Come crashing in
Into my little world
Painful to me pierce right through me
Don't you understand oh my little girl

y) Every time I think of you

I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue
It's no problem of mine but it's a problem I find
Living a life that I can't leave behind
There's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of a fool won't set you free

z) Now they know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall

Wow, you made it. Good work. You deserve to be happy. Watch "where the hell is Matt?" now. And if you've already seen it, go on and watch again.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Tribeca in Doha

Exciting thing of the day - The Doha Tribeca Film Festival launches October 29. Ten days. It’s the first time the festival has come to Doha. Needless to say, Qatar residents are kiiiind of looking forward to it.

Expectations are high. The city is ripe with anticipation. Interest on the Facebook group is surging. I’ve never seen so many “like” comments in my entire, fruitful online life. General media coverage has been excellent too. The local press has been saturated with all things DTFF for weeks. Amanda Palmer (Executive Director and unofficial Doha cinematic siren {not my words}) is presently on the cover of our most respectable magazine and is quoted in the papers pretty much daily.

And surprise, surprise – on top of all of the hype, the film list is actually worth checking out.

Since this is Qatar, loud whispers run rampant through our dusty city. The Doha rumour mill has been steadily churning for ages. People are talking about who’s coming, who’s not coming, who’s censoring what, and where the best parties are. My friend Brenda desperately wants to hit up a red carpet and wear a ball gown to something, ANYTHING. I hear that.

The organizers kept the celebrity guest list hush hush until recently. De Niro will definitely be in town, along with Slumdog Millionaire director Danny Boyle. I have a feeling there are more “stars” coming but they haven’t confirmed yet. My buddy is the Tribeca new media guy and I can’t get any information out of him. I even got him drunk. Nothing. He’s like a stoic, spectacle-sporting vault.

It’s all just very exciting to have some action in Doha after the long and brutal summer. Maybe there’s even too much action - check this Doha planning fail – the film fest and Sony Ericsson Women’s tennis tournament (Williams sisters, holla) fall on the same days. What a crock. Doha holds four events per year that I actually want to attend and they stick two of them on the same week. Good thing I have a blog to complain on or I might have had to take this on the up and up. 

Where does the up and up lead to, anyway?

For the record, I choose Tribeca over women’s tennis. The men’s program would have been a lot tougher to miss.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Can we talk about Balloon Boy for a second?

On Thursday (evening, Doha time) I, like the rest of you, was caught up in the real life drama of balloon boy. We watched enraptured, at what we all thought was a six year-old boy floating through the sky at a fantastic speed.We felt assured when we learned his name was Falcon, certain that everything was going to be all right. We listened to weather reports with an urgency never felt before. Our hearts raced when MSNBC cut away as the balloon descended to the moment of impact. It was scary and thrilling real-time entertainment too good to make up.

But we all spoke and tweeted and set our Facebook statuses too soon.

After landing, we quickly learned there was no one in the balloon. Then we found out the family was on Wife Swap and the boys record songs with filthy lyrics in their spare time. Then we learned Falcon was hiding in the attic, heard his parents yelling and didn’t come out because “they were doing it for the show.” THEN we found out his parents were shopping around Jon and Kate style reality shows to major networks. Now the father will likely face criminal charges for being a lying sack of famewhore.

This family played us for a bunch of fools. What the hell. I’m furious but shouldn't be surprised. If reality television has taught me anything, it’s that people are awful. This balloon boy mess is like the baby who fell in the well in the ‘80s, except it’s the new millennium, meaning the baby isn’t in the well and its parents faked the whole thing and I hate everyone.

Maybe I shouldn’t be so jaded. Let’s play the Pollyanna game here. Some people may be awful, but let’s not focus on the balloon boy family, that utter waste of space. Let’s focus on the innocent two hours we all experienced together, glued to the television and Interwebs. Those two hours when we let the unseen balloon boy into our hearts, no questions asked. Those glorious two hours when the world rallied around the safe landing of a makeshift hovercraft. We were one.

Turns out, we still can care for something. And maybe it takes a couple of dirty, rotten, lying parents to remind us of this very fact. 

Positivity is all around!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Reaching for new levels of inanity

This post brought to you by puppies.

I’ve subscribed to the Daily Puppy for some time now. If you’re not familiar with the site, you should think about getting up from under that rock, you dummy! The Daily Puppy is an Internet cornerstone. It’s the old, familiar place to go when you need an “awww” moment. Conveniently, it’s also the place to go when you need to laugh at crazy dog ladies who comment on photos of puppies all day.

Here’s how the Daily Puppy works - people send in pictures of their puppy. A new puppy photo is posted daily. Site visitors then rank the puppy, giving him virtual bones (every puppy gets a score of 10 out of 10 bones) and talk about how precious he is. Trust me, it’s a hoot.

I read the Daily Puppy daily. Sometimes I even give away virtual bones. Sounds dumb, but this sprawling level of lameness makes me an authority on the cuteness of every dog.

Don’t think reading the Daily Puppy is enough to make me an authority? Read on.

At nine years of age, I spent three weeks (an ETERNITY for a nine year-old) writing and illustrating what I thought was the world’s first Dog Breed Dictionary. I made it to the letter 'D.' Good thing we didn’t have the Internet back then because a simple Google search would have left me sorely disappointed.

Through my lifetime, I’ve owned ten different dogs, and held seven doggy funerals. How many tears have you shed standing over a shallow grave that holds your fluffy companion? HOW MANY?

Also, I’m just an excellent judge of beauty.

As such, I’ve decided to rank the five cutest puppy breeds, in descending order….with photos. And once my list is uncovered, I hope the discussion on world's cutest puppy can come to its adorable conclusion.


The Cutest Puppy Breeds

4. Basset Hound

3. Chow Chow

2. Beagle

1. Inbred

Wonky/Liza trumps those purebreds every time. Err time.

I guess you can debate who's the cutest, but leave the connatural (wonky one) out of it. 

Monday, October 12, 2009

DKM Posted!

Go look! He wrote about baseball! For some reasons comments are disabled on his post and I can’t figure out how to get them back, so if you have anything to say about the stupid, smelly Red Sox and DKM’s excellent post, you can leave them here.

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving! I hope everyone back home ate and drank like royalty.  

The Greatest Baseball Game I've Ever Seen

So as is often recognized on this blog, living in Doha has it perks. However, watching live baseball games is not one of them. Heading into this year’s MLB postseason, I was excited. The thing I looked forward to most was seeing my least favorite team of any sport on the planet, the Boston Red Sox, lose in as humiliating a way as possible.

I geared up my excitement in the weeks leading up to the playoffs by going up to strangers wearing playoff-bound team merchandise to wish them luck, and to ask them simply to eliminate the Red Sox.

But before any viewing would take place, we needed to upgrade our satellite TV package at home. We went for the “shiny platinum exquisite diamond” package, or something like that. To my sincere disappointment, the one channel that broadcasts the MLB is the only network that we can’t pick up on the satellite. It doesn’t work. Mush mumkin.

I needed a back-up plan. I Bing’d it and found some very shady package where for only $40 a year I can watch all sports via the interwebs. “Deal!”, I thought.

So when I realized yesterday that a potential elimination game for the Red Sox would be an afternoon game in the U.S., I got my first opportunity to watch this year’s postseason live.

With God making up for the struggles I went through to enjoy this annual activity, I got blessed with the best game a Red Sox hater could ask for.

Here is the round-up…

Red Sox get an early lead off Angel’s starter Scott Kazmir and go ahead 5-1.

By the end of the 7th it’s looking like Boston may get to hang around for at least one more game. But with two outs in the top of the eighth the Angels make it interesting, putting 2 runners on base in a 5-2 game. The tying run comes to the plate.

Enter Jonathan Papelpon a.k.a. red sox nation posterboy/largest douche to ever wear a professional uniform. So this is Terry Franf***face’s “solution” to extending their season. Papelpon needs a 4 out save. With runners on, Papelbon gives up a 2-RBI single. It is now 5-4. As Red Sox fans begin shitting their pants, Papelbon ends the eighth with a lucky pick-off. The crowd finally exhales.

Due to their inflated payroll and Big Fati finally getting his 1st hit of the playoffs, the Red Sox get an insurance run. 6-4 Red Sox, heading into the 9th.

With Papelbon, who in his career of 27 postseason innings had never allowed an earned run, coming back on to do his 9th inning jig, losers (in hats they bought cause they saw other people wearing it) all over the world start playing with themselves like its all over. Disgusting Boston accents shout out “The Red Sox will win in 5” all over the pissholes of the rotten city known as "beantown".

Papelbon does as he does best and quickly retires the first two batters he faces. So with two outs in the top of the 9th, the Angels #9 hitter, Erick Aybar comes up. The skipper elects not to pinch hit for him. Seems like Scioscia suspects something spectacular. Like he was supposed to, Aybar backs up his manager’s plan with a textbook, line-drive single to center.

The crafty leadoff hitter, Chone Figgins, comes up trying to keep the two-out rally going. He does his part by reaching with a base on balls.

All of a sudden Papeldouche looks shaky.

With a stroke of brilliance, another Sox-killer, ex-yankee Bobby Abreu rings a shot off the green monster. Aybar scores, but Figgins, one of the speediest guys in the league, is held at 3rd!

The Angels still face a mighty task as they are still down by a run and need to keep this two out rally against Papelbon going. The Boston coaches and infield elect to have a chat with the hot-headed closer to re-focus him on his task. After all, the odds are with him and his defence that they’ll get the next out, and start fresh in Game 4, with a chance to tie the series up at 2.

At the coaches discretion, an intentional walk loads the bases.

What were they thinking? The intentionally walked to bring Vlad “the man” Guerrero up?!? Boy, he looks like he might hit a ball over 600 feet. However, his career playoff batting average and his career stats vs. Papelbon don’t inspire much confidence.

But in an act of redemption and leadership, Vlady hits a first-pitch, four-seam fastball weakly to straight-away center. Ellsbury can’t get there…It drops!

Figgins scores!!

Abreu scores!! Angels go ahead 7-6!

But, of course, the hometown Rednecks still get to bat for three more outs. Mike Scioscia has been warming up his closer in the top of the 9th just in case something like this occurred. Fuentes comes in to silence Fenway for at least another 6 months.

Jed Lowrie pops out like a punnani pansy. 1 out.

Jacoby Ellsbury tries to muster up a rally. The count quickly goes 0-2. Ellsbury is in a hole. In a last ditch attempt to get on base he pops up to the catcher in foul territory. Is there a worse thing you can do? Even striking out earns more respect. Two out.

But…before the corks start getting popped in LA LA land., the golden boy of the Boston franchise, winner of rookie of the year in his first year and AL MVP in only his second season, Dustin Pedroia comes up to save the day for Boston. Right? Right?!?!?
WRONG. Pedroia’s weak pop-up doesn’t leave the infield. ha ha ha ha ha ha

The Red Sox, led by Terry “butttttt I’ve never lost a World Series game” Francona are eliminated in the first round in 3 games.


Tuesday, October 6, 2009


It’s time for a smattering of nuggets from around the webosphere. Because if there’s anything I like to do, it’s share my superior grasp of web sport (no softball jokes please) with you. Okay you’re on Google Reader. Give me some of that sweet, sweet pep….

First, let’s check in with Mashable (the female social media geek’s choice) who tells us:

There’s yet another reason Apple brand loyalists can feel superior to Windows users.
Mac owners are wealthier than PC owners. Does this mean hipsters are going to reject the Mac and revert back to a clunky Dell? Wait and see, friends.

Mac-loving hipster photo via Gawker

When celebrities die, people share sad feelings on Facebook. But don’t worry because Thanksgiving is a happy time.

If you have kids or plan on bringing small people into the world, do humankind a favour and keep them away from the computer. Yes, I see the irony in posting this article directly after my last entry but it’s serious. If CNN and a research facility predict the future correctly, the next generation of kids will suffer from
chronic internet addiction. I think I have that. According to the report, “
ADHD and hostility were linked to Internet addiction in all children, while social phobia and depression were linked to internet addiction in girls.

Wait a minute. ADHD started long before Al Gore invented the Internet, folks. But the social phobia and depression part isn’t surprising. Kids are mean! I’m so glad to have skipped the whole cyber-bullying thing. Think about it, fellow twenty-somethings. If kids in the playground can be mean, surely kids shrouded in
anonyminity on the Internet must be seven hundred times as awful. Shudder.

You see that? It's the hairy arm of corruption.

Well that was uplifting. What else, what else…

Are you sick of the Letterman story yet? Too bad, your opinion doesn’t matter. Last night, Dave’s employee Craig Ferguson defended his boss. While expected, Ferguson’s monologue was still infinitely funnier and classier than Jimmy Fallon’s response:

"There’s a new book out called
 Why Women Have Sex that has a list of the 237 reasons why women have sex, and Letterman knows the top ten.

I don't get it. Does that make any sense to you? I could totally be a Jimmy Fallon staff writer: Top Ten list! Ummmm….Stupid human tricks! Errr…..You got any gum?  Bleeeeecccch.

And who is Jimmy Fallon to call out Letterman? Show some respect, newbie.

Letterman hosted his first show after “the confession” and used it as a platform to apologize to pretty much everyone. Why can’t this just go away already? I guess I’m not helping the cause much. Hypocrisy abounds.


Do you know what a capybara is? Please, watch this
video of a popsicle-hungry cute face and educate yourself. That woman is totally me in 45 years.

And THEN watch a tiny cat

I feel better too. 

Somebody please get me out of this

The end of the MLB regular season brings a new wave of baseball fervor into my life. Last week, I joined a co-ed softball league for players over 16. DKM forwarded me the e-mail and his little boy excitement left me no choice but to enroll. I signed up immediately, thinking the league would be akin to Toronto beer leagues. You know the type - players who suck are good-naturedly laughed at and everyone celebrates with a couples of rounds at the local pub after games. I’ve never actually joined a beer league but have heard that these are the wonderful things that happen within.

After a few days, I changed my mind about the whole situation. Why the change of heart? I realized I’m actually going to have to play on Saturday and that I totally stink at softball.  At least, I think I do. I’ve never played. I love watching baseball and enjoy the occasional game of catch, but when it comes to actually playing the sport in a competitive environment, I choke. I’d rather spend time at the gym on a stationary treadmill where I
probably won’t hurt myself.

I’m a professional armchair athlete. Newly-minted Jays GM Alex Anthopolous  proves you can be successful in sports when you're not a total jock.  There’s no shame in sucking at softball (k
eep telling yourself that, blondie).

After creeping the e-mails/Facebook profiles (don’t look surprised) of my fellow players, it seems I’m in terrifying company. First, there’s a team made up of 25 South Americans (with a 14-man roster, they have ELEVEN alternates). Is it racist to be horrified at the thought of playing the South American team? Probably yes. Also, there are about 12 players whose e-mail addresses lead me to believe they’re in the Army. The trained killers are going to whiffle balls right at my face. While the broken nose look is kind of rugged and hot, it wouldn’t suit me. It seems like I’ve signed up for a competitive endeavor in which I could very likely fail.  This makes me sick to my stomach.

But, now we play the Pollyanna Glad Game, an exercise in positivity….. MAYBE I won’t be the worst player on the team. MAYBE I’ll make some new friends and have a few laughs and find out my inner jock has been screaming for a chance to beat up my outer computer nerd. MAYBE I will only be laughed at my very first at bat.

Maybe everyone will hate me.

Pollyanna can’t help me now. DKM, won’t you chime in and save me from this unattractive spiral of self-doubt? We’re talking softball here. WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET YOU TO WRITE A BLOG POST!? 

Saturday, October 3, 2009

David, David, David.

I hate this story.

Damn you, extortionist for making me think about David Letterman without his suit on.

But that's what you get for idolizing mere mortals, kids. Box Cat and Riverdancing Dog would never play you like that.

It's upsetting. I'm starting to think that monogamy is the hardest thing for people to do in the world. Harder than running marathons or tending to the sick and dying. Harder than giving away all of your money. Harder than giving up the Internet.

Governments should start doling out large sums of money to couples who actually make their relationship work without putting their hands in multiple cookie jars. Everyone's a damn cheater. From now on, these are the only ways to genuinely shock me:

1.) You are faithful to your husband/wife (doesn't count until you make it legal).
2.) You think Lindsay Lohan isn't on drugs. She's just an artist!
3.) You can get me tickets to game seven of the Stanely Cup playoffs in a game in which the Leafs are playing.

That's all. If I were a colour, it'd totally be jade.

Back to Dave. I'm certain Letterman will come out of this smelling of a classy, adulterizing hero (not unlike Bill Clinton), but I'm concerned his show is forever tainted for me. Why? One of the staff members Dave had an affair with is "Intern Vicky." She used to appear on the "know your current events" and "name that cut of meat" skits. She brought participants their dinner gift certificate, wore a Letterman jacket and acted snarky. Dave ate it up. I remember saying to my mother once, "this girl always makes Dave laugh. She must be hilarious." No doubt she's funny, but now we know there was something more salacious going on. And it tastes like barf. Dave sleeping with Intern Vicky is probably as unsettling as Rupert and Bif Henderson having an affair.

What's the opposite of right? I can't remember.

Tainted or not, whatever you do please don't start watching Leno.

Need a funny video to cheer you up? Well, tough luck. I have nothing to offer. Why don't you try offering ME something for once in your life? Jerks.