Monday, September 14, 2009

Stop me if you've heard this before

It has been a good week for uncharacteristic human behaviour (aka gossip). Serena Williams and her meltdown. TIFF ’09. Kanye West not caring about white people. 

Are you expecting me to talk about Kanyese and T.Swift like everyone else? Or to make fun of Serena (I wouldn’t, still love her) or to whine about how I’m not at TIFF this year, while last year’s TIFF was like two weeks of pop culture nerd heaven. I met the cast of Degrassi! They are all four feet tall and smoke.

I would love to talk about those things, but don’t hold your breath. I would love to talk about how nobody effs with Taylor Swift but how this is the best thing to EVER happen to her career and that even an apology written in ALL CAPS can’t save Kanye now. I would love to talk about how Swift is a total class act and that if I had a kid I would totally let her listen to her music and read her twitter thoughts, and not just because she writes country songs. In fact, I’d love to talk about how I might just buy some T.Swift records now and play them for my kids later because you know the stuff they’ll listen to is going to be even more vapid and skanky than Miley Cyrus and those offensive womanizers, the Jonas Brothers.

Monkey puppets.

I would love to talk about these things, but everything that can possibly be said about the VMAs fiasco has already been said while I was sleeping. Even people who live blogged the awards/US Open/TIFF aren’t giving us anything original. There are just too many damn voices on the Interwebz. This one included. But try and shut me up world, just try

And since I’m expressly not talking about Taylor Swift (19 year-old badass), I’ll talk about something else. Herr go….

On vacation in Toronto this summer, my friend Meg asked a question I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. It was, “if you could live out one completely unrealistic profession, what would it be?”

My answer: Actress.

Meg’s answer: Broadway actress (she would make a fantastic Anne of Green Gables).

So we’re both attention whores. Who knew?

DKM’s answer: Baseball player. Obviously.

Your answer? Probably a Cookie Monster.

After thinking about this for some time, I'd like to tweak my answer slightly. I would still choose actress – visions of grandeur and fluffy dresses and mobile phone throwing persist, of course. Specifically, I want to be an actress who wins over David Letterman. One of my most unrelenting daydreams involves walking onstage at the Ed Sullivan Theatre and sitting next to Dave in a small black dress and incredible shoes while making him chortle. I’ve spent hours going over what I would say to get him to laugh instead of belittling me like he does with Paris “I’ll buy you a parakeet” Hilton, Renee Zellwegger and Farah Fawcett (that one time).

Dave doesn’t like every actress. That much is clear. His favourites are probably (because I’ve totally asked him, ugh I’m so nerdy),
Julia Roberts  and Drew Barrymore. And you can stop right there with the “but Drew Barrymore showed him her boobs” rebuttal. I wouldn’t have to flash Dave to win him over. His love for Drew goes way beyond that infamous interview. I mean, Courtney Love did the same thing and she doesn’t hold rank on the Late Show at all.

Just the other day, I thought about how cool it would be to insult “that hump” Jay Leno on Dave’s couch and watch his delighted/horrified reaction. Then I started thinking about how alienating Jay Leno would be like alienating all of NBC, and how I’d never get to guest star on 30 Rock that way. That’s probably the only reason people are so nice to Leno, right?** Fool needs to stop stealing Conan’s thunder. 
**Everyone except Howard Stern and Rosie O’Donnell who called him a robot on Stern’s radio show. Awesome!

Clearly, I’ve thought about my famous action plan and how not to have a bunch of stage hands write an
open letter about how I’m “as ungracious a person as you can ever fathom.”  And my famous action plan is really a complicated roadmap to Dave’s heart in disguise.

Hey, I said 30 Rock! Have you seen the website where a fan wrote down
everything Tracy Jordan said in season three? The lines are there without context. It’s brilliant in a pathetic fan boy kind of way. I’ll wait here while you go look. Not going? Here are my favourites:

"I watched Boston Legal 9 times before I realized it wasn’t a new Star Trek."

“I hate to see you like this, Ken Doll. It’s like an owl without a graduation cap. Heartbreaking!”

“Well, if all you want is a hug from a black person, maybe you should just host the Price is Right.”

What is this, Horseville? Cause I am surrounded by nay-sayers. Wordplay!

Aaaand I’ve exhausted everything there is possibly to say about celebrities today. I should probably go read the Bible or something of substance. Somebody buy me a parakeet.

**TIFF Update.
My mom ran into Marlon Wayans who told her that Michael Jackson was no pedophile. I think that case is officially closed. 

4 comments:

  1. I said Captain and Centre of the Leafs (But figured it was unfair, because it was too realistic)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Featured on Hack the Bone, shibby! I was just in PEI, I am sooo Anne... and/or any other role requiring my substantial musical talent

    ReplyDelete
  3. oh yeah, even better than the shoutout - Tracy Jordan! My heart is warm

    ReplyDelete
  4. I want to be Anne of Green Gables SO BADLY, minus the red hair. I have a home video of me singing the entire soundtrack, my brother was director.

    Can Anne of Green Gables be considered a profession?

    ReplyDelete

Ramble on...