It has been a good week for uncharacteristic human behaviour (aka gossip). Serena Williams and her meltdown. TIFF ’09. Kanye West not caring about white people.
Are you expecting me to talk about Kanyese and T.Swift like everyone else? Or to make fun of Serena (I wouldn’t, still love her) or to whine about how I’m not at TIFF this year, while last year’s TIFF was like two weeks of pop culture nerd heaven. I met the cast of Degrassi! They are all four feet tall and smoke.
I would love to talk about those things, but don’t hold your breath. I would love to talk about how nobody effs with Taylor Swift but how this is the best thing to EVER happen to her career and that even an apology written in ALL CAPS can’t save Kanye now. I would love to talk about how Swift is a total class act and that if I had a kid I would totally let her listen to her music and read her twitter thoughts, and not just because she writes country songs. In fact, I’d love to talk about how I might just buy some T.Swift records now and play them for my kids later because you know the stuff they’ll listen to is going to be even more vapid and skanky than Miley Cyrus and those offensive womanizers, the Jonas Brothers.
And since I’m expressly not talking about Taylor Swift (19 year-old badass), I’ll talk about something else. Herr go….
On vacation in Toronto this summer, my friend Meg asked a question I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. It was, “if you could live out one completely unrealistic profession, what would it be?”
My answer: Actress.
Meg’s answer: Broadway actress (she would make a fantastic Anne of Green Gables).
**Everyone except Howard Stern and Rosie O’Donnell who called him a robot on Stern’s radio show. Awesome!
Clearly, I’ve thought about my famous action plan and how not to have a bunch of stage hands write an open letter about how I’m “as ungracious a person as you can ever fathom.” And my famous action plan is really a complicated roadmap to Dave’s heart in disguise.
Hey, I said 30 Rock! Have you seen the website where a fan wrote down everything Tracy Jordan said in season three? The lines are there without context. It’s brilliant in a pathetic fan boy kind of way. I’ll wait here while you go look. Not going? Here are my favourites:
"I watched Boston Legal 9 times before I realized it wasn’t a new Star Trek."
“I hate to see you like this, Ken Doll. It’s like an owl without a graduation cap. Heartbreaking!”
“Well, if all you want is a hug from a black person, maybe you should just host the Price is Right.”
What is this, Horseville? Cause I am surrounded by nay-sayers. Wordplay!
Aaaand I’ve exhausted everything there is possibly to say about celebrities today. I should probably go read the Bible or something of substance. Somebody buy me a parakeet.
**TIFF Update. My mom ran into Marlon Wayans who told her that Michael Jackson was no pedophile. I think that case is officially closed.
5 weeks ago