Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Celebrities are pretty dumb pt. two

Somebody gave Lindsay Lohan a job. And it’s not an acting gig. Please. People aren’t that dumb. Aside: don’t tell me she was good in Mean Girls, anyone could be funny delivering Tina Fey’s lines. Have I said that before? Am getting repetitive in my old age.
Lindsay’s new job isn’t as an actress, or a spray tan schlepper or a Japanese commercial fool. Lindsay is now the artistic advisor (whatever that means) for Ungaro.

Lindsay released a statement today and it sounded exactly like the typical canned quote you can expect from a celebrity when someone hands them a clothing line.

To me, the publicist celebrity always sound subliminally defensive when introducing a line. It seems like they know they are an undeserving joke, and must spin extra hard to justify this privilege. Take me seriously, people. Please!

There’s something I’ve noticed about these statements. Every celebrity fashion line announcement has at least one of these components:

1. Fashion has been my passion since I was little
2. My line will be different from all the rest, but I can't exactly tell you why
3. I actually, totally for realious work on the lines myself. Seriously.

Don’t believe me? Be careful, I’ve been Googling.

Let’s start with an easy one. Here’s Lindsay’s statement:

When I’m involved in a project, I give my all to it. I feel like there’s a correlation between everything I do, whether it’s pop music or film. I’ve always played a big part in what I wear, the costumes. Clothing is something that’s so expressive in so many ways. It really interests me. To be in a position where I’m working with a fashion house in Paris sets it apart from every other celebrity brand.

You can always count on LiLo for an amazingly incoherent quote. Seriously though, Ungaro signed her to a multi-year deal. Multi year. Lindsay Lohan. 

This is the same girl who guest hosted Project Runway a few weeks ago and the only criticisms she could offer were…. “Oh. I like that,” or “no, I don’t like that.” "Cross-stitching??"

Her brain is mush, but LiLo can’t possibly be the worst celebrity fashion designer. Not while Heidi Montag exists, anyway.

Fashion is something that’s always been a passion of mine. I really look forward to creating an affordable, fun and sexy line with Anchor Blue. I plan to get my hands dirty on this one. This is something I have always wanted to do and Anchor Blue has enabled me to be an integral part of the design process. Each and every piece will have my initial input, feedback and final approval stamped all over it.
-Heidi Montag

Heidi gives me reason to live. Want to see what affordable, fun and sexy looks like?
I’ll take seven.

Next meathead please….

Everything I do has always been about my music. Now, for the first time, I’m branching out. I work on the clothing line every day – it never ends, but it’s fun work. Designing is an ongoing process. And it’s all I wear. I don’t shop anymore. My favourite item in the line is a black hoodie, because I perfected it to exactly how I love hoodies – slim and long and the hood is like, huge.
-Avril Lavigne

Clam up, April.

I was inspired by so many fun, wonderful things as I was recording BITTERSWEET WORLD and it’s been great to carry through those inspirations into these new shirt designs I hope my fans love this album and rock out in these shirts!
Ashlee Simpson

A plug for her crappy album AND clothing line in one statment? Queen of the blowhards.

The company that I want to start should be ethnic. I think there is a (growing) awareness and people are opening their eyes about the world and the environment.
Michelle Rodriguez.

Do you think Michelle woke up that day and was like, “I’ve got it! Ethnic! The key to fashion is ethnic. I’m brilliant. Time to get wasted.” A prize for anyone who actually knew Michelle Rozriguez had a clothing line.

"This line is my main focus right now. I can't draw at all, so I won't be doing any sketches, but I am learning to sew. I think it's important to know more about the whole process of making clothes. The collection—which includes mod frocks and menswear-inspired separates—will debut in September 2008. I want people to see these clothes for what they are, not just another line designed by another celebrity. I want the line to be taken seriously.
-Rachel Bilson

So she can’t draw and she can’t sew but she is focusing really, really hard. Four hours a day of staring and pointing. Bilson, you might look like a puppy dog but I can still see right through your flimsy charade of ineptitude.

I love creating looks that are all about personal expression and individuality. Collaborating with Max Azria has been an amazing experience and I’m really excited about launching this line with Wal-Mart.
-Miley Cyrus

This is the least irritating quote of the bunch. Miley Cyrus…for the win? I’m confused.

Just once I would love for a celebrity to announce their line by saying, “I have no effing clue what I’m doing, but these corporate dumdums threw a bag of money at me. Let’s do this!”


  1. how can you beat on our lindsay like this, she is A-list, of course you know didn't we watch I know you killed me together?
    As far as celeb fashion goes, I'm sorry but no way heidi, my favorite Heidi moment was when she went to schelp her shit on the view and Whoopi told her to pull down her skirt bc her lady bits were showing - yes affordable fashion.

    But I do think Lindsay always looks great in a hot mess sort of way, leggings, hat, greasy hair, she rocks it. I am looking forward to see what she does!

  2. Maybe Heidi's clothes are affordable because they're sooo itty bitty.

    Yea, in all honesty, I'll probably buy my first Ungaro now because Lindsay pretended to design it.


Ramble on...