Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Happy trails to me

Tomorrow, after six and a half months in Doha, I’m boarding a plane and heading home to Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Toronto is still home. It will always be home, even if for some reason we spend the next decade in the Gulf (stranger things have happened.) I’ll always cheer for the Jays and the Leafs (even when I miss entire seasons and the roster becomes completely unrecognizable – tragic, because it looks like next year’s going to be hella fun with Burkey). Speaking of Burkey, let’s revisit the greatest 20-seconds in YouTube history right now. THAT’S NOT HYPERBOLE!

What else…..

YouTube…History….Drunk History! Wait, you haven’t seen Drunk History before? Here you go. I would so love to be the narrator of one of these videos. What a sweet gig. Hoever, while I am a fantastic drunk, I’m not such a history buff, rendering me unqualified for the role. Although I could definitely speak on Madonna’s Like a Virgin performance at the MTV awards with authority. That’s practically a historical event now anyway.

Please excuse the erratic and unreadable nature of this post- I’m on another planet. People keep speaking to me but all I hear is meowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeow (sung in the key of D).

Did you know there’s a sandstorm headed for Doha right now? Not the fun type of Sandstorm:Da Rude!

It’s the ugly, brown, fills up your lungs type: An estimated 2 billion tones of sand is blowing in from Saudi and Iraq in the next 72 hours. Inshallah, our travel plans will not be affected. If you find an angry, cursing rant here in a few days, you’ll know we gotz screwed. Silence means I’m probably sitting in a bathtub of Clamato. Hygiene be damned.

Good news- I can finally read Torontoist and Blogto again without feeling searing pangs of jealousy. For the past months, reading about and seeing beautiful photos of Toronto have caused me physical harm. THAT’S NOT HYPERBOLE EITHER, sometimesI react physically to jealousy. God.

Since TO is only two days away, I’m confident that perusing through my old favourite blogs won’t hurt. Let’s see what’s in the Toronto news….

Oh you’ve got to be kidding me! The garbage strike still isn’t over!? What the aitch Mayor Miller?? Obviously you didn’t listen to the authoritative tweet I sent you three weeks ago. My distant voice counts too! This is ridiculous. If the strike continues, who’s joining me in throwing Miller and the union boys in Christie Pits, head first? Disgruntled Torontonians raise your hands!

Toronto Toronto Toronto- let’s be real. I don’t care how bad you stink - I’m a treat you real nice. I’m going to singly boost your economy full of Gulf money, so you’ll never want me to leave. I’m coming to drink your booze and walk your streets and book your hotel rooms and eat in your restaurants and look at all the pretty, dirty boys (I said look). We’re going to have a good few weeks, you and me.

I won’t be posting while I’m gone. The good news is, if you’re a regular reader, chances are I’ll be seeing you real soon….at the Jays game on Friday! Kthxbai J

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

The Walrus and the Bucket bridge the divide

So here’s a cute story. It actually happened to DKM but he’s not ready for his second foray into the world of blogging just yet. I’ll kindly retell on his behalf.

There’s this photo. I’m obsessed with it. DKM is obsessed with it. It has been the background on both our desktops at work (superrr profesh) for a few weeks now. It’s been posted on Hack the Bone before too… I give you:

The Walrus and The Bucket

There’s just something about it. Everytime I look at this photo I could just die laughing. It’s probably the essence of comedy.

Happy walrus is funny.

And devastated walrus is heartbreakingly funny.Legions of people on the Internetz are similarly taken. The Walrus and the Bucket spawned a whack of memes….


Unfortunately, most people at my work don’t share these ideals. The reactions I’ve gotten to the Walrus and the Bucket range from, “um, that’s disgusting,” to “you’re just weird,” and my personal favourite, “you should probably change that.”

Most of DKM’s colleague aren’t impressed either, with one very notable exception.

Yesterday, DKM’s tea boy Arjin took notice of the photo. He asked for his own printout copy. DKM was overjoyed and immediately hooked the guy up. He then e-mailed me to brag that his office workers are more with it than mine…or something.

Later that afternoon, DKM went into the office where Arjin and his buddies hang out. Sitting in the office was a guy he'd never seen before. The man was a stranger but DKM could tell he was awesome. This incredible man was sitting alone with the Walrus and the Bucket in his hands, just staring.

The man spoke little to no English so DKM couldn't ask him what drew him to the photo. In my mind, this non-conversation wasn't necessary. I like to think the Walrus and The Bucket transcends language.

He was probably moved by the sad injustice of it all, and thought- "what horrible man in the overalls is this, to deny the handsome walrus that which he desires most?"

OR he was probably thinking:

  1. “I has a bucket?” My grammar teacher was the worst!
  2. This is hilarious.
  3. This is tragic.
  4. These Western people are feckkkking weird.

I guess we'll never know. Someone call this guy:

Sunday, July 5, 2009

It's so hot...

Whyyyy did I agree to golf tonight? I am such a SUCKER. Being outside is pretty much the uncoolest thing to do these days. Everyone's all bragging about how they avoid the heat and stay inside all of the time. It's what the cool kids do at least. Not this dumdum.

Doha is currently the hottest part of the Gulf, with temperatures reaching upwards of 48C. It’s too hot to go outside to tan and swim because the ground scorches your feet and the swimming pool feels like soup. Clear, non-delicious soup. I spent two hours completely outside in the sun last week, from 10 a.m. – 12 p.m.. In a blouse and long slacks, those two hours legitimately ruined the rest of my day. New levels of sweatiness and crankiness were reached.
Something like that, yea.

The nights are uncomfortable too. Which is why this whole golf thing is a bad idea (and it has nothing to do with me sucking at golf and being afraid of embarrassing myself in front of DKM's buddies).

The stray cats I like to make fun of are taking this summer thing pretty hard. If you thought they were mangy in the wintertime – oh Laws! You should have seen the bag of bones miaowing at me this morning. He looked a lot like this guy, minus 30 lbs. or so.

Doha is a ghost town. Newspapers say the population dropped 40,000 last month (!!). The Great Doha Exodus. The roads aren’t completely riddled with traffic anymore because anyone who’s halfway clever got the hell out of town last week.

And all anyone talks about is the weather. Case in point- this blog entry. Today, I found a few minutes to write, but couldn’t think of a topic so started ranting about the heat. But really, the heat is the common unifier here. It’s the main topic of all conversations because there is really nothing else to talk about.

This heat, like the MJ story is overkill. RIP.

From this point forward, to prevent people from engaging me about the weather, in all conversations beginning, “Boy, it’s hot out there,” I'll reply with “HOWWWW HOT ISSS ITTT?” The first person to hit me back with a cormball reply- i.e. “it’s so hot the shade is looking for shade, yuk yuk yuk” will become the all-time winningest winner of winning.

Ed. Note. While Googling ‘HOT IN DOHA’ to find images of our insane weather conditions (because that makes sense) - I found these images. Anyone who knows me outside of the Interwebz will know that this is HILARIOUS (hint- the blonde girl isn’t me, keep looking).
And if you do find the above funny, you’ll be happy to hear that he honestly thinks he’s famous now. Adorable.

Speaking of hilarious – while trapped in my flat mansion all weekend, there was plenty of time to watch some Hilarious Interwebz nuggets. Please enjoy- I waste my life online for you.
1. Dr. Steve BruleBrule’s been around since 2007, and maybe I’m a few years too late, but you probably are too. This is John C. "The C stands for cellophane" Reilly in some of his finest work.

2. Because it’s impossible to have a perfect track record (career-wise, ahem), here’s Michael Jackson and Eddie Murphy taking themselves seriously.

3. The full video and text of Sarah Palin’s Resignation Speech = comedy.