Sunday, June 28, 2009

Sweetest man ever

**Ed Note Sorry about the asspoor formatting in this post. I'm having Google Chrome/Blogger issues. Apparently they don't get along. And here I thought Chrome was perfect. Everything lets me down eventually.

Anyone familiar with this blog has heard the true story of my inbred puppies. We've kept in touch with one of the owners via e-mail, who luckily happens to be the sweetest man alive. He lives in a small town in Northern Ontario (the name eludes me), where he works as a cable guy and completely adores his inbred puppy. CUJO (great name) is the toast of the town. In last year's Santa Claus parade, his owner put a hat on him and Cujo walked as Santa Claus. I could cry.

Anyway, the guy's emails are freaking adorable. I had to share.
Here they are in sequence.

----Original Message-----
Sent: March 5, 2008 9:30 PM
Subject: Cujo
Hi Margaret: just sending you a email to let you know about your's and mine (CUJO) he is just doing fine and eating me out of house and home (MR.PIGGY) he love's the snow but I hate that white stuff.Can wait for the heat wave so I can take him to some of my baseball games and the park's to run around. so here is a picture of him taken Feb.29 2008 Well it is time for us to get ready to go to bed. Bye for now from Dave and CUJO (WOOF WOOF Lick Lick)

Sent:
April 18, 2008 7:26 PM
Subject: RE: Cujo

Hi Margaret: We are doing just great we are getting ready to go to park's and he has a girlfriend in the biulding and the snow he just love's to run in it here is a picture of CUJO taken just last month I hope you get the picture of CUJO
P.S Please e-mail me to let me know if you got the picture and now he is 8month's old and eatting like a piggy
From Dave And CUJO (He love's you all Lick's and woof's )

Sent:
June 25, 2008 5:30 PM
Subject: RE: Cujo
Our boy Cujo is doing great and eat's me out of house and here is our little guy and I am getting marry too and having a baby also one of these pics is me and my wife tobe the one say's (lynn and dave) bye for now
Love Cujo and Dave (woof woof)
How is his Mom and Dad doing can u send me pics of his Mom & Dad for me Margaret thank you


Sent:June 28, 2009 11:25:09 AM

Hello Meredith and Maggie
Thank you so much for sending me picture's of Cujo's Mom and Dad and Sister, They are very cute I hope to send you guy's more picture's of Cujo and if you can please send me more of his family well be real great just to have them so I can print them off and put them and put them in a picture frame and thank you everything for the wishes from you guy's. He is a super dog
Please keep in touch
Love CUJO (WOOF WOOF LICK'S LICK'S ) TO MY MOMMY AND DADDY and from Dave

Rental Car

Here’s a video link stolen from Sandy’s blog. I’m posting it here as well because it made me laugh. It captures the experience Matt went through returning his rental car after a year of driving in Doha. It shows you a slice of life in Qatar you wouldn’t normally see. Honestly, I was expecting that to go so much worse than it did. Maybe I’m a bit jaded. Anyway, enjoy (thanks Sandy).

http://www.vimeo.com/5286325

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

CORM

Sorry I haven’t been around much lately. I don’t like you anymore.

Actually, I've just been a huge work nerd. The project that's been my whole life for the past two months launched today (yay). It was weeks and week of hard work culminating in a 22 hour work day/all nighter yesterday, mostly spent writing and watching ten dudes brand a billion dollar project. Can't talk much about it on here but holy shit I can't believe we pulled that off.

There’s actually time to write now, because it's 11 p.m. and I just woke up from what was supposed to be last night's slumber. What is the proper way to recover from an all nighter? I probably should have gone to bed right when I got home from work today at 1 p.m., but instead drank two beers, got shitfaced from exhaustion and watched three episodes of Mad Men through bleary eyes. THEN I slept. My body clock is confused and angry.

People who talk about their sleep patterns are the worst. Sorry. This post's real intent was to remove the photo of Perez Hilton from my landing page - nothing remains to offer. Hopefully the adorable aminal photos strategically placed throughout will distract you from this crap. The good news is, things will probably get back to normal around here until I leave for Canada in three weeks.

So what’s new in that glorious country of mine? Keep it warm for me friends. How are the Jays doing? Not as smelly as Toronto in the middle of a garbage strike I imagine.

Remember the last garbage strike? Hoo wee was that ugly. Toronto is having some shit right now, eh? A garbage strike combined with a looming LCBO strike!? Two early signs of the apocalypse. The people of Toronto are doomed. Get thee to the hills.

Mayor Miller, please have this mess cleaned up for my arrival in a few weeks. Thanks.

So here’s something hilarious and work related (but not so work related that it could get me in trouble) – I have an intern! He’s 17 and still in high school and just happens to have the coolest boss ever. This whole situation is bizarre to me, as I was i his shoes, interning at CTV less than a year ago.

I’ve got no clue what to do with him. Apparently it's unethical to ask him to bring me lunch, but he can photocopy and bind proposals and complete all tasks I have no time for, being a super important corporate cog and all.

If you were 17 and had to spend your summer in an office, what would you want to do? And don't say play online poker (he is really going to have to stop that). At 17, I was a camp counsellor. My summers of fun and whimsy have left me unable to relate to this teen, looking to me for counsel and guidance. And so I turn to you. Please advise.

Link Happy

Please enjoy some Internet nuggets I panned from a river. Internet gold!

Got twenty minutes? What do you mean no?! You should still watch Karl Pilkington talk about things. Fascinating and hilarious stuff.

The world needs comedy. Here’s Brian Regan on sucking at Little League and Eddie Izzard’s Death Star Canteen. Enjoy.

Perez Hilton makes me want to vomit

His completely existence is a hypocrisy. This Will.I.Am / Perez story is already played out but I still want to chime in. It's my duty as a person who periodically updates their free online blog.

On the night of the attack (four a.m. in Toronto and like 10 in Doha.), I was at my desk, with a little TweetDeck action up on the screen when Perez tweeted that he was in need of help, and that someone should *please* call the cops.

Once the noble Toronto police came (like 45 minutes later, they allegedly told him they had real emergencies to deal with HA) and the situation was sorted, Perez tweeted, “I will not speak publically on this matter further.” And that was that.

Just kidding! He then recorded a TWELVE-MINUTE VIDEO to speak about the incident.

I hate him I hate him I hate him.

You know he called Will.I.Am a f****t, right? I hope you know that.

How is there no remix video of his blubbering cringe-worthy video!? Someone make that please. Nevermind, it already exists.

Violence is NEVER the answer, says Perez. But you know, that miniscule bruise on his face will heal. It probably already has. Fergie will always be fucked up because he called her fugly.

Just...disappear already. Blah.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

In the future, everybody will be world-famous for fifteen minutes

Word to that.

Andy Warhol’s famous and often misquoted words never rang so true as they do now, in the 21st century. As a stupid girl who follows gossip blogs, I can tell you from great and varied experience, that there are a hellofa lot of worthless famous people out there.
For instance...

There are people who are famous for literally fifteen minutes, like the fans at the Jays game who stood behind A-Rod with photos of Madonna. Everyone laughed, the photos made headlines and the guys were never heard from again. Excepting the one who’s on my Facebook, but that’s a different story. THEN there are the people whose fifteen minutes are stretched out a little longer. I’m talking about rejected contestants on Flavour of Love or the Bachelor who land in US Weekly once and can live on that for the rest of their lives.

But I have a general question to throw to the crowd…..

In your opinion- how long exactly is 15 minutes? And is it possible to enjoy two separate 15 minutes of fame. A half hour?

I ask because I’m afraid I enjoyed my fifteen minutes before I could speak.

Brace yourselves…..

When I was nine months old, I made a one episode guest appearance on a long-running CBC drama called Street Legal. I played a baby.
What do you mean you’ve never heard of it?

Here’s the episode synopsis from Even Lawyers Sing the Blues, from imdb:

Leon runs into an old flame from his days as a radical student, and is surprised to learn who the father of her daughter is.

Hey everyone! Guess who the daughter is. It’s me y’all.

Here’s another synopsis I found:

Leon's old flame embroils him in her domestic affairs; Carrie negotiates a divorce with ex-husband and -law partner Ted.

Hey everyone! Guess who the ‘domestic affair’ is. That’s me too.

Oh don’t look so surprised. I only unveiled my star power because I thought you could handle it. Things between us don't have to change.

So it’s not that I’m striving for fame or notoriety, but like most arrogant leos, I feel I’m deserving of a REAL 15 minutes. Even if those 15 minutes are spent making a hilarious face in the back of a Brangelina paparazzi shot, or gyrating on stage with Rod Stewart, I will take them.

No one wants to peak at nine months.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Ode to Canadian Television

Ahhh the Great White North. Such a fantastic place – home to mountains, lakes, rivers, polar bears and beavers. Canada loves beavers. Also, it's a super important exporter. Canada ships out timber and gas and great beer and the best television that low budgets and heinous child actors can possible produce.

This post will be relevant only to Canadians and Americans with powerful satellite signals. Apologies for being completely Can-centric lately, but if Canadians don’t toot their own horn, who will? Nobody. That’s who.

Toot on Canadian friends, toot on.

Where was I? Oh yes. Canada produces scores of hilarious, so-bad-it’s-good television. Kids in my generation watched shows like Degrassi and Ready or Not, while fully aware what they were enjoying was schmaltzy, low-rent entertainment. We knew it and were in on the joke, damnit.
This ironic meta-viewing experience undoubtedly groomed us to be cooler and funnier and nicer than the kids in every other country. No hyperbole or opinion here, that's straight facts.
Toot toot.

Let’s talk about the programming aimed at kids and pre-teens. The hours I spent parked in front of the TV as a kid, wide-eyed and slack jawed made me the pop culture obsessed, computer-loving nerd I am today. And I have some shows to pay homage to….right now.

First: Degrassi Junior High
Also known as one of the best things to come out of Canada ever.

Any show that casts this guy as a love interest has got to be awesome. You can bank on that.

Second: Ready or Not
Also known as the show that taught me about periods before I had the sense to ask my mother.

I won’t even bother explaining this to you. If you know of the perils of Busy and Amanda...you just...get it.
Abbott & Costello. Lennon & McCartney. Lucy & Ricky. Amanda & Busy.

Personal anecdote time! I saw (gaped at) the actress who played Busy at a lesbian bar last year. Apparently she is like, the queen of the lesbian scene in Toronto. I’m glad she’s doing something because according to imdb, she’s acted in one role since Ready or Not. As a bank teller. OH, but I did see her at the Junos like, five years ago. Which is about five years after Ready or Not went off the air. She was really milking the whole Busy Ramone thing. Anyway, at this bar in Toronto she was playing the bongos in a middle of a circle of women, totally lighting it up. I was star struck.

My mom really loved that story because she was waiting for the episode when Busy came out on the show but it never happened. She was pissed and called out the Ready or Not writers for not giving Busy the freedom to be the woman she was so clearly meant to be. Amen to that.

Third: Breaker High
Remember when midriff was in?

Also known as the show with pre-smoking hot Ryan Gosling.
Late bloomer.

Because of Breaker High, every kid in Canada fantasized about attending high school on a boat. Especially a boat that travelled the world during its two season run (the whole thing was filmed in Burnaby, British Colombia).

In Breaker High, Canada brought out the 25 year-olds posing as 16 year-old beefcake. Peep this stud, who played the brooding son of the captain, Max.
He's not 16!

I want to watch this so badly right now. Will settle for clips on YouTube.

YTV was just the best back in the day. Reboot. The Hit List with Tarzan Dan! PJ Katie’s Farm!

I’m sphitzing with nostalgia.

Honourable Mention: You, Me & the Kids

Also known as the show no one should ever admit to watching.

Does ANYONE remember this show?!? It featured a plucky teenage redhead coming to terms with her parents' divorce and why boys didn’t like her because she was a ginger. My roommate Cath and I used to watch this on the couch in university and laugh and laugh and laugh. It was too good. I’ve spent the last twenty minutes trying to google photos for your perusal, but apparently this train wreck of a show doesn’t exist on the Internet. How can that be? Everything exists on the Internet. Like….if it’s not on the Internet, did it even happen? Is it even real??
I found this tiny photo of the plucky redhead, but this isn’t a screenshot from the show, it’s some crap movie called RV. My brain is going to explode….

I’m sorry, but there’s no way of recovering from that.

Canadian television – awesome in its badness.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Toronto Vacationing Part Two

After publishing my Toronto post, I was hit with the nasty feeling that I’d forgotten something. Thankfully, my diligent father quickly reminded me that I’ll be attending a Toronto FC game July 18th.

Yes, my Dad reads my blog, and yes he schooled me in the comment section of that post.

Dear old Dad is a big TFC geek, which is awesome. His season ticket package is one of the greatest things a Torontonian can own, in my humble opinion. It is a very exciting team to follow. When TFC wins a championship (which sadly, will likely be before the Leafs, Jays or Raptors) he can say he was there from the beginning- from the very first game. It’s a cool thing to be a part of.

Plus, if you’ve ever been to a game, you know why this team and arena is so special.

For the iconic view of Toronto..

And for the fans…. Spot the nerd.

Oh and the food is just unreal. Not your typical stadium fare. They serve Scottish Eggs (sorry Dad, but ew) and peameal bacon sandwiches for everyone!! Peameal! Wooo.

Basically, it’s the best ticket in town. And I’m going with my pops.

It sucks I won’t be in Toronto to celebrate Father’s Day this year, but we will have loads of fun July 18th! Thanks Dad.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

How to prematurely plan a successful two-week vacation in your home country

Although I jumped ship from Toronto (Torana for the locals), I’m probably one of the biggest fans of that city in the entire world. The spirit of Toronto courses through my veins and I could not be more excited to vacation there for two weeks. So much to do! I don’t plan to sleep.

I PLAN TO LIVE.

After giving this a bit of thought, here are some of the things I'll do while in Canada:

1.) Eat. My first meal? A peameal sandwich with a side of ribs, washed down with bacon fat. I’ll slug extra spicy Caesars too. For the vitamins. Then I’ll feel sick and probably throw up on one of Toronto’s perfectly manicured sidewalks.

2.) Eat. It would be an understatement to say I’m excited for Bistro/St. Louis wings and dill dipping sauce. Plus crab patties from the Ossington Bakery, croissants from Clafouti on Queen West and bagels!! Fucking bagels, you can’t find them anywhere.
3.) Blue Jays games. It’s no coincidence that the Jays play a nine-game homestand while I’m in Canada. Our trip was postponed by two weeks to ensure ample baseball viewing. Obviously. I’m going to revisit my old tradition of buying 500-level seats and sneaking down in the third inning to sit behind the bullpen and yell at Scott Downs for being awesome. I have snuck down to these seats probably 50 times, only being thrown out of the ball park once. And it wasn’t even because of the seats. My friend Kerry snuck in a mickey and got totally busted. Yea, we were those girls. We headed over to Windows restaurant in the Renaissance hotel and watched the rest of the game from there. Aside from watching in the cheap seats, we’ve been trying to get tickets in the most expensive seats possible, because I live in the Middle fucking East and sometimes a girl has got to spoil herself.

4.) Blue Jays games – again. I’m really excited for this…. DKM worked at the Renaissance hotel (attached to the SkyDome) for a long time, so we often used his influence and discount to book a field view room and watch the game from there. We have already made plans to do this again, so friends, pledge your allegiance to us now. Those rooms can only accommodate so many people. Friends who bring beer and snacks will be rewarded based on quality of said beer and snacks (50 and Ruffles chips hint, hint). Also, you must be good looking. I can’t wait to hit on my hot Canadian friends.
5.) Camping. I’m going to camp the shit out of Ontario when I’m home. Transversely, at the advice of my lazy friend Tarek, we may just go to a cottage and lie around. Shmeh.

6.) Patios. It’s almost too hot to go outside these days, and since I won’t be working for one minute while I’m home, most afternoons will be spent on various patios in Toronto. I’ll go and visit to make sure they are still running properly – a general maintenance check. Look for me at the Pilot, Black Bull, Hooters (haha…but seriously, their rooftop patio is great), Oasis, Hemingway’s, and the Quail and Firkin. I’ll be staying with my mom who has moved back into the Yorkville hood so when I’m too lazy to walk more than a few blocks, the Pilot will be my first stop. I’ll be that really happy drunk girl kissing the ground. Also, since one drink in Qatar costs the equivalent of seven in Toronto, I will probably buy like, four pitchers and have a pint from each, just to be a jerk. Come enjoy my wake of discarded booze.
7.) Barbeques. Gonna cook up some meat meat meat.

That’s all I’ve got planned for now. It’s looking like a pretty robust two weeks. Lots of food and friends and family and outdoors. Toronto- I love you.

She's coming for me

She's climbing a fence in a short ass dress. What a fool! I totally own that dress. And I love it. Stupid jerk.

Every woman’s (should-be) worst enemy Paris Hilton is taking her reality show, Paris Hilton’s My New BFF to Dubai next month. Her high quality entertainment sloo fest will take less than a month to film, and it’s presumed she’ll take her bacon-faced boyfriend Doug from The Hills with her.
*I don’t know what a bacon-face is, but I haven’t had pork in four months. The forbidden meat is on my mind.

Apparently it'll be her first trip to the Middle East. In other words, she's run out of people to terrorize in Europe and North America. Look out Africa, you're next.

Half of the women cast are from the Middle East, while the other half are ex-pats living in UAE. There will no alcohol consumed during filming, sexually suggestive conversation will be edited and revealing outfits are discouraged.

Yeah, okay.

You know how I feel about Paris, but I’ll be watching this show. Definitely definitely tuning in-- if only to watch Paris Hilton try and tone down her skank in a Muslim country. Good luck with that. HA!