Saturday, April 18, 2009

They tell me to write what I know

This weekend, I watched equal parts Blue Jays games and Cheers -- season two.
As such, there are two directions in which this post can go:

1) A treatise on Cliff Clavin from Cheers, who is only the most complicated, nuanced and hilarious sitcom character or all time .
Don't know what he's saying, but it's undoubtedly clever AND hilarious.


2) My experience thus far with international broadcasts of

This calls for some thinking music.

George Jones makes things clear....we talk baseball!

Regular readers of this blog know, I recently moved to the Middle East, tearing myself away from Toronto and all the wonderful things that stew in that city.

This was a choice I made, and I'm happy here, but that doesn't stop my asshole friends from updating me on what I'm missing while I'm gone.

Since the Jays season began a few weeks ago, I've received "friendly" messages from home saying that it's a shame I'm missing all the of Jays games and that it's too bad my season passes to TFC are going to waste this summer (they're my dad's, which all but means they belong to me, right Dad?). My friends say they wish I was here, but shoot-- that home opener was really, really fun.

For the record, *friends,* I don't like your tone.

Funny thing though. I've watched every single Jays game so far. How many of you punks have done the same? I know y'all went to the home opener and have all but forgotten the boys in blue since.

I used to go to a lot of Jays games. This year, I've spent a lot of time with, where I've appreciated anew the Blue Jays broadcasting team of Jamie Campbell and Pat Tabler. Crazy, I know.

It's all but universally accepted that Rogers employs shitty announcers for Jays games. They're just not do I put this....good. I love Pat Tabler, but he shares a booth with Jamie Campbell. He can talk about ponies and look smart next to Hambell. Tabler isn't being challenged.Pat Tabler doesn't have to be clever. Just look at that shock of blonde hair. Life is easier for blondies. Pat is going to be fine. Gingers have a rougher go around.
So after years of hearing how crappy the Blue Jays' guys are, I was interested to check out the opposing teams' coverage via

I know what you're thinking, Jays fans. The chance to opt out of any Jamie Campbell broadcast is a given. It shouldn't even be a choice. However, after a few weeks of listening to the same bullshit from the opposing teams' announcers, I'm ready to switch back.
Right on. Someone likes me!!

Here's why. Most of the announcers know fuck all about the Jays. They share the same six tidbits about my team every game. Tidbits are as folows:

1) The Blue Jays had the strongest bullpen in the majors last year. They were good. (yet no mention of Scott Downs. WHY)
2) Cito Gaston has World Series rings (O RLY?)
3) Jesse Litsch used to be a bat boy (you must mean FAT boy. HAHAHA. No?)
4) Watch yourselves out there kids, you don't want to have a scare like the affable Aaron Hill, he hit his head super hard, dontchaknow.
5) A.J. Burnett used to pitch for this team and seems to be doing well with the Yankees (shutttt upppppppp).6) That Roy Hallday sure can pitch. George W. Bush certainly likes him too (this part of the commentary never gets old).

This is about as in depth as they go. Any Jays fans worth their snuff gets a little tired of hearing the same fun facts read over every game. One starts craving a little Jays fan boy action. Cue Jamie Campbell.
Campbell might be a knob, but he's a TOTAL Jays fan boy. I appreciate this. Campbell gets excited when the Jays hit a home run. He passionately talks about Brian Tallet's facial hair (who is totally channelling Kenny Powers). He talks about what the Jays are like off the field-- this I especially love.

Sure, I roll my eyes every time a fan catches a foul ball and Campbell stops mid-sentence to exclaim, "and that person's got a great souvenir." He also speaks on behalf of the players, who haven't actually said anything. For example, Halladay will throw an out and Campbell will go, "and Hallday says ' that's enough of that!'" He's a nerd. It's funny.

And yes, absolutely I have to justify my choosing Jamie Campbell or any other broadcaster, ever. That's what blogs are for.

For my readers in Qatar, I promise to stop writing about regional Toronto BS soon.

Just one more thing. I really really really want to drink beer with Kevin Millar. Rly.

I Microsoft Painted the shit out of that photo.


  1. Never mind wasting hours online watching the Jays! Take 6 minutes and watch TFC highlights on

    Better still listen live on

    and then read ALL the FC news on

    now that's entertaining!!

  2. Ohhhh thanks, Dad.

    If I watch the TFC stuff, will you promise to reserve some tickets for me come July? I want to get a thumbs up from Dichio again.

    Blue Jays are 10-4 by the way!!!

  3. grrrrr...don't watch the dallas highlights from sunday!

    but they'll win in july just for you!

    and we fly the fair isle on the 29th.


Ramble on...