Monday, April 6, 2009

Opening Day Whining

This evening, the Toronto Blue Jays will play their first game of the 2009 season at home, versus the Detroit Tigers.

My beloved Jays open their season to a wealth of low expectations. Our bullpen might be awesome, (Um, Scott Downs is in it) and Travis Snider could do some damage but it’s too early to say. Our starting pitchers who aren't Roy Hallday, are either untested or are Jesse Litsch. These putzes surround one shining beacon of hope and superstardom who will be asked to carry our team all year. I can't wait.

But why listen to me talk about baseball when you can visit Drunk Jays Fans? I don’t actually know what I’m talking about. This is why, when I met Downs last year, I asked him about his wife and babies, rather than the soreness in his elbow or wherever.

I’m absolutely devastated to miss opening day. There is no solace in the fact that it’s snowing in Toronto and it’s 30+ degrees here. None! I want to sit in the dirty, dirty 500 level for 3.5 innings before sneaking down behind the bullpen to scream at Brandon League, or whoever’s hair offends me most that day. I want to get really drunk off the $9.50 crack beers. I want to get in a fight with a girl from Detroit. Okay, maybe I don’t. Still, there is nothing like the Blue Jays’ opening day.
**Note on which Blue Jay offends me most. When he plays, it is always Brandon League. He has a tattoo of his name across his back, just like on his jersey. It’s like he is permanently wearing a jersey. This is either super awesome or the LAMEST THING EVER.

At last year’s home opener I was in London, visiting people at Western. I was in London for approximately 18 hours before getting thrown onto a bus, to head to Toronto with a ticket to the home opener. It was great.

The trip was a mess. The guy next to me on the bus threw up on his seat. Two of the people on our bus ride didn’t make it for the trip home because they had been arrested for streaking on the field. Sinister deals went down. Happy memories.

So yea, I won't be there, but I can certainly complain about it.
To all my friends attending tonight’s game-- enjoy the baseball , but please make note of this item, and report back to me:

1) Exactly how fat did Jesse Litsch get?
That’s all. Have fun, aholes.

1 comment:

  1. Toronto has embraced Jesse Litsch's man breasts. They are beautiful.


Ramble on...