Sunday, April 5, 2009

But I'm too old to be a promo girl

Here’s a comical development. This morning, I received a message from one of the girls here, asking me to join her next weekend at the clubs to moonlight as a Jack Daniels promo girl. Yes, one of those cheesy, sleazy cocktailers who wear matching clingy dresses that are almost always accessorized with a cowboy hat.

I’m thinking about it. Here’s why…

In Toronto, I worked at a dumpy sports bar next to some of the city’s premiere sports destinations – the Air Canada Centre (LEAFS! raptors) and the Skydome (JAYS! argos). We’ll call this place The Goose (not its real name).
The Goose. Not a real name. This is a real photograph. Oopsie!

While I loved working at The Goose, I won’t deny that the place is a total shithole. It’s in a basement, has no windows and often smells like feet. It’s a biiiig bar too. I’ll never forget the time I was working (sitting around and gossiping) when the place started to reek of sewage. All of a sudden, the drain near our feet was spewing dirty water. Then the kitchen flooded, the grease trap overflowed, and the toilets burst. Within two minutes, our massive bar was coated in a foot of sewage-greasy-toilet water. We closed for a month. The term shit hole has never been so apt.

For the most part, the clientele was reflective of the bar’s décor – tacky and offensive. We didn’t exactly attract a high-brow crowd with our “bra hall of fame,” and the t-shirts reading, “If you can read this, you have pretty good eyesight. Now, while you’re down there, how ‘bout a BJ?”

Sure it’s a dive, but it was one of the only places in Toronto that was unapologetically skanky. I’d rather hang out there than at Lobby any day. At least people have fun at the Goose. At a pretentious joint like Lobby, it’s all bottle service and people scowling at you. Beautiful, unhappy people? Didn’t know they existed until I went to Lobby. My boyfriend Daryn Jones will sum up this awful phenomenon here.

The Goose owns up to its cheap image and in my educated boozehound opinion, is all the better for it.

I can honestly say I learned a lot from working at a crap place like the Goose. For instance...

*I’m an expert at detecting when a really fat guy is 15 seconds away from puking, and whether he will make it to the bathroom in time. 80% of the time…he will not.

**If a trio of girls run back and forth from the bathroom every 15 minutes, while drinking their faces off and *somehow* becoming increasingly sober – okay, it doesn’t take a server to figure out what they’re doing.

***I know exactly how many shots one can down and continue to wait tables successfully. I learned this after going over that limit on one occasion and being sent home by my manager who sadly shook his head at me while I “went home” to the bar next door.

****I also have plenty of experience at wearing revealing outfits while being nice to repulsive men. The club scene in Doha can’t possibly be worse than the crowd that streams into our bar after a CFL game on a Saturday afternoon. Yuck.

All this talk of drunks and vomit is making me nostalgic. I’ve made up my mind. Next weekend, I will put on a stupid outfit and serve drinks to Doha club kids. I’ll be sure to document the hilarity for your enjoyment-- Anything for my loyal readers.

This is going to be bad.

1 comment:

  1. Au contraire...I think the f/u on this is going to be great. Looking forward to the "to be continued" episode!


Ramble on...