Monday, March 2, 2009

Celebrities are pretty dumb

Warning: Post not appropriate for work. It’s actually not appropriate for anyplace but that’s your problem.

Today, I’d like to talk about celebrity sex tapes.

OoooOoooh. Scintillating, right? Wrong. If I've learned anything in my days of trolling the Internet, it's that 99% of celebrity sex tapes are not hot.

For the purpose of this post, I'm going to call sex tapes, celebrity fan sites, so naughty words aren't peppered throughout.

Catching on to this change up, might be hard for those of you who celebrated the end of Lent by raging hard, but please, turn on your brain and use your imagination. Let my words take you on a visual journey. Or don't.

Celebrity fan sites (see what I'm doing here?? Pay attention) are all gross. At least the ones I've seen are grossly unattractive. I don’t think I’ve watched one awesome celebrity FAN SITE (catching on?) in all the years I downloaded them illegally from websites.

Today, I will speak on the videos I’ve seen-- especially the ones that still haunt my dreams.

Fred Durst
Remember Fred Durst? Yea, me neither.

In my second year university, a Fred Durst fan site was released and immediately uglied up the Interwebs. My guess is that Durst, attempting to cling to the shreds of relevancy that remained in 2006, released the fan site himself, at one last stab for headlines. But that's just a guess. An educated guess, but a guess nonetheless.

Since Durst was semi-famous and I used to groove to Nookie, like every other white pre-teen in North American, I downloaded the fan site. Okay you got me, I would have downloaded it had I never heard of him, but whatever.

I knew that a Fred Durst fan site would be revolting and probably make me celibate for a month, but I watched anyway. Twice. I’m gross.

Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee.
The original celebrity fan site. I feel like I was really young when I watched this and I’m not even sure how I got my hands on it. But I totally did. A teenager's curiosity knows no bounds.

Paris Hilton
One Night in Paris ---- hahaha what a joke. She is so nasty. The girl is so awkward. All limbs. Night vision sucks. Paris Hilton sucks….peen. Zing!

R. Kelly

Has anyone actually seen this? I could never find it on the Interwebs. Not like I tried for three days or anything. Moving on….

Gene Simmons
Oh. God. Ugh. Nasty....just nasty.
Why don’t good looking celebrities ever make fan sites?? This one was on par with Fred Durst in the sense that this horrible man would NEVER get with the girl in the video if he wasn't rich and famous.

This tape came out last year. Have you seen Gene Simmons recently? It's not a KISS era tape, which would have been almost tolerable. Naturally, it was filmed in the last few years. Unlike Durst, I can't see Simmons releasing this himself, because it doesn't do him any favours. He is no spring chicken. The Gene Simmons fan site is three minutes of my life I'll never get back.

Verne Troyer
One year later, and my eyeballs are still pissed at me for this one. I blame Michael K at Dlisted. He always links to the worst videos of all time and I ALWAYS click on them.

Someone PLEASE come out of the wood work and tell me you've also seen this.

Any one?

I feel like a gremlin revealing how I watched a minute and a half of the Mini Me fan site before tapping out. I dare you to watch it. I DARE YOU.

No, I’m not going to link to the videos mentioned. Come on, if Hack the Bone wasn’t getting shut down before….

Despite my sick inkling for the worst of fan sites, I never watched 2 Girls 1 Cup. And for those of you who have…you should be ASHAMED of yourselves.
Sidenote-- This post started with an obscure reference to the Fred Durst fan site, and just snowballed. I swear I didn't plan for this grossness to happen. It's ten a.m. and this is what I crank out for my readers. I'm sorry everyone. Somebody lock me up already.

1 comment:

  1. Meredith... Please do not put Gene Simons with Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee. Oh and the ugly naked little man.
    Some of us who are in Genes Simons era still burn the flames for the man who is richer then Trump who by the way is gross. My opinion !
    Funny stuff... some of us do enjoy your stories. Keep up the good words.


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