Sunday, February 8, 2009

Jump the Shark: Will Smith

I went to the movies last night. Saw Slumdog Millionaire with DKM, bringing our total movie date tally to…three. Yay! We’ve known each other 5+ years and we’ve gone to the movies three times. That is pathetic. The only films we’ve actually seen together are Madagascar and the Breakup*.
*Would you look at that? One of the most embarrassing sentences ever, found on my very own blog!

Please don’t think me soft for going to a movie on a Saturday night, wasting valuable drinking time. I got drunk on Thursday and watched the Wire, what did you do?
Saturday is like Monday here. Everyone in Doha gets Friday off, though most employees only work alternating Saturdays. Since I’m eight hours ahead of my friends in Toronto, by the time they're ready to get drunk and start the weekend, mine is already over.
**I know weekends don’t count if you don’t actually have a job, but explaining differences in the middle east sounds better in the first person.

Where was I? Right, movies. We go to the mall and meet up with some of our NEW FRIENDS, only to promptly ditch them. These crazy kids wanted us to see Seven Pounds with Will Smith. HaHaHa guys, niiice try. Not interested. We bought tickets for Slumdog instead, which really pissed off our movie buddies.

We risked alienating an entire group of friends (and friends don't come easy in Doha) because I cannot handle any more Will Smith movies. This man hasn’t made anything good in years. It’s really hard to hate on Big Willy because he gave us the Fresh Prince, but his last film I liked was Men in Black, back when I was prepubescent. Sidenote-- I will always enjoy Independence Day because it rules.

One of the last Will Smith movies I watched was I Robot (holy stinky stoner hell). I also caught The Pursuit of Happyness on a plane last year. Was that ever sucky. I don’t have to mention Hancock, I am Legend or Hitch, do I?
No, you don't. Please, don't bring that up again.

I remember when that Pursuit of Happyness crap came out in 2006. Big Willy was promoting it on Oprah. He pulled out all the stops on her show. He was witty, charming, paraded his kids out to do silly impressions, the works. It was a fucking circus. Oprah all but creamed on his face, imploring us to see the movie. It was gross.
Jada and me have the hottest sex. I swear, y'all. Totally straight!

Good news for studio executives -- for every cranky person like me who can’t stand Oprah, there are one million or so loyal soldiers who always do her bidding.

So the Pursuit of Happyness made a fuckload at the box office because the actors, content and promotion followed a strict magic formula. This formula takes several unstoppable, money making parts (bankable actors, heartwarming plotlines, and serious publicity) and mashes them together. The formula applied to the Pursuit of Happyness, looks like this:

Will Smith + Oprah Endorsement + loveable children + loosely based on a true story = $300 million box office worldwide

I could make a great living as a film producer. The secret to success would be a hat filled with endless parts to the magic formula. I could pull them out whenever the studio needs a hit and presto— a crowd pleaser with an option for sequels.

Let’s try my magic formula for some future box office winners:

Reese Witherspoon + Jennifer Aniston + set in Texas + working class sisters strike it rich + both stars on VOGUE cover = Three People’s Choice awards and a $30 million opening weekend
I can do so much more than romantic comedies. What you are doing here, Meredith, is very uncool.

Kevin James + Will Ferrell + raised by monkeys + move to New York + Megan Fox as love interest + spread in Entertainment Weekly + staged fight on Leno = big fucking hit
Leave us out of this.

See? It’s easy. Ladies, if you’re like me, you can name 100 girls who would see that Aniston movie in a heartbeat. Fuck man, I’d watch it and it’d probably make me cry. Someone call Harvey Weinstein.

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