Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Golden Facebook Nuggets

This photo is what you find when you google 'creepy.' It works, no?

I'm a huge facebook creep.

If you’ve stumbled on this website, don't know me well and feel weird about reading—please don’t, because I’ve probably cyber stalked you at some point. It’s how I do.

My favourite targets for spying are the people I once knew – the peripheral facebook friends. The people who added you when they friend requested everyone they ever met as soon as they got a facebook profile. I haven't seen them in years, which makes them all the more interesting.
It's super creepy to look at their photos and read their walls, but I don't care. I like to make up stories about people and this is an easy way to do so.

Former flames are also fun to creep, but that goes without saying. I'm waaaatching you.

My strange facebook habits lead me to all kinds of awesome profiles. I'm going to share some of the great things I've found lately. If you’re the target of any of these nuggets, please don’t get weirded out and delete me as a friend. Call me a fan instead.

*****
I have a facebook friend named Bone Grinder. I went to high school with him. His name used to be Dexter, but now he goes by BONE GRINDER. Bone Grinder is sooo much better. I wish I had the nerve to change my name to something awesome, like Flesh Gnawer, but I’m too chicken shit. Bone Grinder, if by some kiss of fate you are reading this, you and your band – Creep Colony, are welcome any time in Doha. I will gladly put you up and find you gigs. I am 100% serious.
Creep Colony, stolen from facebook.

***
A guy I went on one date with in high school also changed his name. He’s a magician and illusionist now (I know, right?) and instead of going by his given name George, he’s calling himself Roux. I would give you more hilarious information but…he deleted me from facebook. I didn't even notice until now. Was it because I didn’t put out at the EX? Fucker.

***
Those 25 Random Things notes are pretty hot right now, eh? Most of them are hysterically boring, but I still read every single one. Reason I hate myself #5.

Through them, I’ve learned lots of *important* things about the human psyche.

1.) Most people start these notes with a disclaimer as to why they’re writing them. I.E. I can’t believe I’m actually writing one of these stupid things. Those are the people who spend four days writing the most detailed lists I have ever seen. Nerds.

2.) I respect the people who come right out and say that they're writing the notes because they like talking about themselves. We’re all self-serving assholes. Own it! I write a god damned personal blog, a thinly veiled exercise in narcissism, because I like talking about myself. Own it friends, own it.

3.) A lot of my facebook friends have “unnatural fears” of snakes, or heights, or death. Nobody cares! Why can’t I know just one person who is irrationally afraid of Tom Hanks or shoelaces or banana pies?

4.) This particular point offended me: I have never been good at being friends with girls, and have only ever had 2-3 "close" girl friends at one time. Girls are mean, and petty, and gossipy and melodramatic, and many seem not to like me. Fuck you too, lady!

5.) Most of the notes aren’t that bad, I'm just a h8r. I totally appreciate the people who take the time to write funny and thoughtful lists. This guy I took a seminar level English course with at UWO has written my favourite note thus far. He and I didn’t always get along-- he was smarter than me, and I would go home and stew about it after class every week. He’s an interesting fellow and has 12, 406 pages worth of Bibles in his apartment. Who keeps count? I love it.

6.) The notes would be infinitely more interesting if someone else wrote them about you. I would love to write 25 things about my roommates from university. Now that would be stimulating.
****

For your enjoyment, some favourite points from my friends' 25 Random Things notes:

11. Trying to be like Hulk Hogan, I used to cut the bottoms out of old No Frills bags and wear them like tank-tops over my pale Irish skin only to rip the bag from the middle in two parts.

14. I have experimented with drugs. Actually it’s been more of an extended clinical trial.

9. I like to pretend I cant do things so other ppl will do it (ie cooking and cleaning)

1. I am named after Austrailan 80's actress Rachael Hunter. My middle name is courtesy of an 80's pop singer. My parents enjoyed the decade's pop culture...

16. I have grown used to conducting elaborate and lengthy conversations with myself in a bid to better articulate my various positions. It's surprisingly effective, and I recommend it wholeheartedly to everyone.

1. I have played a game of Trivial Pursuit that ended in a physical fight.
Fine, that last one was mine.

1 comment:

Ramble on...