Thursday, January 29, 2009

The True Story of my Inbred Puppies

Be warned because I’m about to attack your sensibilities. This is a post about pupppiiiiiieeeeeessssss! The twisted story requires context, so if you’re not interested go ahead and look at the pictures below.

In September of my last year as an undergrad, I was on the phone to my mother in Toronto. There is something you should know about my mom— she really, really likes dogs. There was a point in my childhood, between the ages 10-13 where we went from owning just one sweet dog, to five awesome pooches. My parents split up a year later and I like to think my poor mother had been filling the void in her romantic life with canine companions. But that’s neither here nor there.

So on this fateful night in September 2006 (with only one dog still living, a crotchety old Chihuahua named Cyntia) my mom tells me she's tinkering with the idea of getting another puppy.
Immediately I was like, "Go for it! I think you should do it. Hooray for puppies. Hooray for everything!!" And she was all, "good, because it’s on its way over." That settled that.

So turns out the pup had a brother, who was sitting in the car when our new pooch (Pearl) was dropped off. WELL, my mom was not about to let any other family take this dog (who we named Jesse Noodle), because Lord knows what might happen to him. She had no choice but to rescue the dog from a bleak existence.
**Ed Note: I’m pretty sure Jesse Noodle was going to a family with kids, but my mother still thinks she saved him from dog molesters or something.

Meet Jesse and Pearl:
Oh man, I want to squish their faces and chew on their velvety ears and brush them and love them.

Later on, we decided that I should take Pearl to London for my last year at UWO. It was a great decision-- my tolerant roommates loved her and she grew up well-adjusted and friendly, if a little addicted to pot. KIDDING! Please don’t call those peta freaks.

When my time at school was up, I went home to Toronto, reuniting Pearl and Jesse Noodle. They were still young and weren’t neutered, so we got that taken care of immediately. Jesse Noodle went to the vet and got snipped. Poor guy was crushed.
Female dogs are a little more complicated, so we had to wait a few weeks to get Pearl spayed, but as it turns out, we were too late. Pearl was with child. Jesse was triumphant! He squeaked one through.
Yes fuckers. My beautiful virgin dog was pregnant with her brother's baby. It was not cool, but we went with it. It's like what my friend said to me when I broke the news, "they're going to be all crossed eyed and take the special classes at school."

Now before you get all judgey and condemn me for being soooo irresponsible, let me just say this: piss off It wasn’t an ideal situation but, *spoiler alert*, everything turned out just FINE.

Three months later, I was drunk and acting stupid at the Underground when I got a call from my mom. “Pearl’s having puppies,” she said. Pearl had delivered two already, and there was no way I was going to miss the entire birthing of my doggy children.

I hopped in a cab, sped home and of course, got caught in traffic about four blocks from my place. I threw some money at the driver and proceeded to hoof it. So I was sprinting through Yorkville at two in the morning, screaming “I’M HAVING PUPPIESSSS” at the top of my lungs. I looked like a drunken banshee, but this was no fire drill. It was go time.

I made it upstairs and dove beside the closet where Pearl was delivering. Jesse Noodle was sitting next to her like a worried father (I totally picture him now in a top hat, smoking a cigar), and my mom was having the time of her life. Three puppies were out, with three more to go. I sat and cried my drunk eyes out as Pearl delivered three slimy sacs of grossness. I was so proud of my little dog and could not wait to play with the puppiessss in the weeks to come.

Okay, you’ve waited long enough. Here are some photos:
The First Night. Pearlie was a doting mother, she didn't let Jesse near the pups for three weeks. She was pretty pissed at him for what he had done.

Tucker, the big one. He now lives with my brother's friend Jamie and is HUGE. I can't explain it.

The Runt. Look at the stupid face I'm making, vanity clearly taking a backseat to fuzziness.
I can't tell you what kind of dogs they are, because we don't know. Each puppy looked different from the last, and they are definitely not purebred.

Needless to say, the dogs brought endless joy and entertainment to my life that summer. I had six puppies running around for nine weeks and each day I thought my heart was going to explode from the cuteness. It was debilitating. I hardly slept. Often I would lay on the floor and just watch them walk and make noises.

What I wouldn't give to spend another day watching them squeak and fight.

It was a very sad time when the puppies started going to their new homes. My mother did a rigorous screening process, resulting in most of the dogs going to people we knew. I say most of them, because my mom couldn't bear to part with "*the runt*

*The runt* was a tiny thing, with one eye slightly bigger than the other. I called her Wonky, after Paris Hilton and her wonky eye (don't think I like Paris Hilton-- this was my way of making fun of her every day). The name stays true to this day, but my mom also calls her Liza, especially in front of company. You can imagine why.

This is Wonky now. She's in Toronto and I miss her silly little face.The message here, friends, is that life doesn't always happen exactly as planned, but usually finds a way to work out.

*I totally stole that quote from the episode of Frasier I watched last night. Thank you, Dr. Crane*


  1. Thank God I am not the only one. I was worried to death becasue I have two chauhaus that are brother and sister. I got one for me and one for my husband. I didnt realize my female was in heat and i walked threw to do laundry and walked in and they were locked together i poured hot water on them like i was told to to get them apart. But i have been worried to death that the puppies are going to come out with deformaties.

  2. That just totally happened to us too! I was really worried and we were told that we would just have to put them all to sleep ( not the good kind of sleep either) our dog is having the puppies right now!! Thanks for the good laughs!!!

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  8. Wow I was just looking on Craig's list and there was a 1yr old pittbull female that was pregnant by her father and the person didn't want her anymore cause of thatreason . Some people make me sick. I feel sorry for the puppies and the mother. :(

  9. I laughed till I cried reading this..And then showed it to my Grown up kids who were also in hysterics reading it! Your Mom sounds exactly like me and you like my own son and his reaction when we too found our little Kiki had managed to become pregnant by her brother Loki before we had, had the chance to get her spayed. We spent 10 weeks crossing fingers and praying the pups would be ok and when they arrived we were amazed to discover that like yours each one was different to its siblings and all seven were pronounced the healthiest, best looking litter of pups they'd ever seen :) My son is taking two to the New house he's buying and youngest daughter is insisting on keeping the smallest which looks more like a Persian kitten than a pup! Four went yesterday and I am brokenhearted cos like you, we had one giant pup..A huge ball of luxurious white fur that I so wanted to keep myself but in the end allowed to go with his brother as the lady who wanted those two had lost her Mum that day and he was just so cuddly I couldn't refuse to let him go, altho, I've cried for 24 hours over him, being you we had no problems finding homes, we didn't even advertise, the pups were practically promised as soon as they were born they were so very, very pretty :) Am going to see if I can find more of your blogs am only Anon cos I don't have a Google account, once again, many, many thanks for posting this :)

  10. Thank you girl for posting this. Every other articles out there had such negative things to say and let's face it, accidents happen. My dachshund is in heat and while I'm not sure, her brother may have tagged her. While I do keep a very good eye on them, I can't be 100% certain that nothing happened. Your message give me hope in an iterweb full of depression. Thank you so much for writing this post.

  11. I just wanna say thank you for posting this article. My mom and I are very worried because my dog Pepper managed to become pregnant by her brother Buboy and she's now 5 weeks pregnant. We are all praying that the pups will be very healthy as it will break our hearts to see them grow with disorders. After reading this, my hope is renewed that somehow everything will turn out okay. This is worth reading!

  12. I just wanna say thank you for posting this article. My mom and I are very worried because my dog Pepper managed to become pregnant by her brother Buboy and she's now 5 weeks pregnant. We are all praying that the pups will be very healthy as it will break our hearts to see them grow with disorders. After reading this, my hope is renewed that somehow everything will turn out okay. This is worth reading!


Ramble on...